Not Right About Anything

Daddy issues

2012-02-11T11:47:00.000-06:00

Want to see a truly reprehensible human being? Look no further.

Chances are, you’ve at least heard about this video in the past couple of days. Most reports emphasize the fact that the father shot out his teenage daughter’s laptop, after he found a Facebook note she posted complaining about her parents.

But it’s so much more than that. SO MUCH MORE. And it’s my genuine hope that the people who are cheering this instance of fine parenting have not watched the whole video. Because this guy digs his own hole the entire way. Watch:

The short version: While the dad was installing some software on his daughter’s laptop, he discovered a hidden Facebook note from his daughter. In the note, she complains that her parents are running her ragged with chores. Pretty typical, benign even, teen stuff. He reads the note, then proceeds to rebut it with the equivalent of, “Shut up, you ungrateful leech.” Then he pulls out a gun and shoots up the laptop on which he spent hours and $130, dedicating one of the shots to her mother. He then insists she pay him back for both the laptop and the ammo. Then he announces he’s going to post the video on her Facebook wall so all her friends can see what a benevolent, loving father she is so unfairly maligning.

Along the way, he explains how when he was her age, he went to both high school and college, lived on his own, worked two jobs and was a volunteer firefighter. Gosh. Sounds like he had some terrific parenting! I wonder if he harbored any resentments toward them for making him do all that at 15? I guess we won’t know, since his generation had the good sense to have manners, respect and not Facebook. And he turned out fine! Kids these days.

If anything, the dad is the one acting like a teenager. She’s 15 going on 16. Girls that age are required by federal law to be drama queens. Being that way on Facebook is about as tame as it gets. He should be grateful she isn’t doing more grandiose things to get his attention. Hell, if anything, she was trying to spare his feelings by sharing that note with her friends, and not him. That’s not the most noble thing to do, but it’s certainly nothing worthy of this drastic overreaction. This is a petty (and unsettling) act of revenge by a blowhard father. If he really cared about her issues, he’d talk to her one-on-one instead of resorting to embarrassing and pointless theater, which he posted on Facebook too! So add hypocrisy to the mix. And irony. I mean, talk about proving his daughter’s point! He multiplied it too. When she was complaining about chores, was she even thinking about his loose policy regarding firearms?

He reminds me of those obnoxious parents who make a big production of disciplining their kids in the middle of a department store. Fewer things are more grating than a showoff parent, especially if their only mode of parenting is doling out punishment. Like that’s all being a parent is. It becomes a point of pride, regardless of how much it’s actually warranted. They act as if I should be impressed that they’re harsh to their children. I’m not.

(And don’t tell me I don’t understand because I’m not a parent. I don’t have to have kids to understand the basic emotions at play, nor do I need to reproduce to understand the dynamics of emotional abuse. That understanding isn’t handed out exclusively in the maternity ward. If you’re trying to sell me on having kids, implying that I’ll become a sourpuss disciplinarian isn’t the way to go about it.)

No one, parent or otherwise, should cheer a video like this. What this guy did isn’t good parenting, an act of sweet revenge or an effective cautionary tale. If anything, it will make things worse. Much worse. It shows a dangerously unstable man who thinks nothing of using anger, petulance and bullets to solve problems. And that reflects poorly not just on him, but on everyone who holds him up as a person worthy of raising youth. Far from being Father of the Year, he strikes me as a possible target of investigation.

I can’t wait to read his daughter’s follow-up note. Should be some real juicy tidbits in that one. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but I can understand why she’d complain about her father. I’m just surprised that she has the courage to do so.

Any deductible for wafers?

2012-02-10T23:58:00.000-06:00

Regarding birth control coverage for religious organizations that oppose it:

If your religion forbids birth control, then it should be no problem to offer the coverage. After all, if no one’s buying it, then no money’s being spent on it, right? Morals remain intact and everyone’s still tenure-tracked to heaven.

OK, OK, I get it — offering birth control coverage would just give people ideas, in the same sense that acknowledging the existence of birth control makes teenagers horny. Well, Gandhi supposedly slept surrounded by nude women to test his temptation — maybe that’s what should try! God knows repressing every natural urge and/or sensible health care in the name of Jesus hasn’t worked.

Offer the option, churches. President Obama’s making sure anyone who wants it, gets it anyway. Maybe you don’t want to admit that a vast majority of your adherents are living in the 21st century, but they are. Anyway, it’s not like your money isn’t going to other things more specifically banned in the Bible — like clothing made up of two or more materials.

Think of the children!

More fish-barreling

2012-02-10T23:17:00.001-06:00

Here's another thing garnering likes all over the Zuckernet:

Let's pretend, for the sake of discussion, that this comparison isn't patently ridiculous.

I'm going to start small by addressing pro athletes' salaries. With a few outlying exceptions, I don't think they're overpaid. When you break down a pro athlete's regimen, balance the physical and mental risks involved and consider the relatively short span of most careers, the money is really not that great for the average player. They do far, far more than "throw a ball" — if anything, the preparation they put into their jobs matches just about any other profession you can name. And they're doing it with intense public scrutiny and pressure. There's also the issue of where that money comes from — it comes from us. Tickets, concessions, merchandising, advertising, TV revenue ... that's your free market at work. The teams have money to spend because we give it to them.

It could be this way with our soldiers too. No, none of them are going to make millions, but there's enough money in America to at least pay them much better wages. The problem is that, just like with pro athletes, we don't seem to realize that we pay soldiers' salaries. But as taxpayers, we do. So those of you who scream, "AMEN!" when you see this graphic, point that finger at yourself. Do you insist on lower taxes? Do you want more of your money back so you can spend it on sports (or whatever) while infrastructure collapses all around you? If so, then you really shouldn't complain about how we're shafting our soldiers. That goes double if you support dubious wars of aggression charged on credit.

One of these days, we'll have to snap out of the notion that cutting tax revenue is the only virtuous course of action in America. We get more than what we pay for from our soldiers, but that shouldn't be a point of pride; we should pay them what they deserve. And we do that by shuffling our national priorities, not by dissing Eli Manning.

What are Republicans always saying about punishing success and overprivileged government employees? Yeah, I thought so.

The Ballad of Al Lard

2012-02-08T21:49:00.000-06:00

If you met me when I was 5 years old, you didn’t know me — you knew Al.

Sometime between the end of my preschool years and kindergarten, I decided that I hated my name. In my mind, Ian was girly, Paul was plagiarized from my dad and McGibboney was some weird last name that everybody seemed to have. “Why must I suffer from that triple-whammy of indignity?” I thought, using easier words I knew at that age.

The answer was simple enough: I would come up with my own awesome name.

AL LARD.

My adopted first name came from my grandfather, Henry. No, seriously. I idolized my grandfather. He wore eyeglasses and I wanted to be just like him. And for whatever reason, I thought he looked like a guy named Al. Hence, I was now Al. (And still sans glasses, but that wonderful gift would come about a year or so later.)

As for the last name Lard, it came from the cover of the book “Miss Nelson Is Back” (co-authored by Harry Allard), a popular book among my brother and I at the time. Either that, or from the ingredients on a can of bean dip (also popular among my brother and I at the time).

Whatever the true origin, I loved my new name and insisted on being introduced that way. If my parents introduced me as Ian, I’d gently correct them by shouting, “AAAAAL!”

I didn’t stop at my own name, either; I also gave my brother Colin his own moniker, Dec (pronounded “deck”) Leroy. The “Dec” came from one of the first license plates I ever owned, a Louisiana tag from 1974-75 that had a “DEC 31” expiration decal on it. It had come off my grandfather’s old car, and I treasured it until I accidentally left it sitting on his then-current car to fly away on the interstate. (Its number was 41I466, in case anyone ever found it.) Leroy was a friend of my brother’s.

At the time, my dad was a DJ for one of Baton Rouge’s biggest country-music stations. One night, he brought my brother and I into the broadcast booth. It blew our minds, especially the twin turntables! Dad let me push buttons that cued songs and commercials. In between songs, he put us on live and asked me what my name was. “AL LARD,” I proclaimed proudly. “No it’s not. You’re Ian!” he said, probably with a hint of exasperation. He then made the mistake of asking me my brother’s name. Staring at my license plate (yeah, I brought that), I said, “Dec Leroy!” That was officially the end of my radio career. I consider it a lost opportunity.

Al Lard pressed on for most of the summer of 1985. But then kindergarten beckoned, and I knew I had to give him up. It’s hard to be your alter ego when your real name’s pinned to your shirt and written in gigantic block letters everywhere you turn.

One of our first assignments was a worksheet where we had to color in balloons. Having been in school for a year and a half prior to kindergarten (and having mastered the color song I can still sing today), I felt like I had this one nailed. “I got this,” I would have said had it been 20 years later. Well, I didn’t. My teacher used one of two red stamps to hammer home her feelings: a happy face, and a sinister sad face that looked like the poison sticker. I filled in four of the 10 balloons with the wrong color, so guess which one I got? Quite a first impression there. (Though to my credit, I probably just felt like ignoring the rules, which has never really changed.) I remember feeling so sad over my first-ever bad grade. I’m surprised she didn’t give me a point off for getting my name wrong. That’s right — on the name blank, scrawled in green crayon, was AL LARD. My teacher had circled it in red pen and written, “Ian.” That’s when I realized how intrinsic Al had become to me — I hadn’t even remembered writing that name on the worksheet. It was sufficiently embarrassing enough to where I kept Al at home from there on out.

Officially, Al Lard died sometime in early 1986. High cholesterol.

"I know, Kermit, it's not easy being green. It's even harder to turn blue. Send a medic already!"

But occasionally he’ll leave the island he shares with Elvis and Tupac to be a punch line in a family joke. Just tonight, my mom texted me to ask how Al Lard was doing. Well, he hasn’t sabotaged my academic career in 27 years, so he must be doing fine. Colin also loves to laugh over Al, though Dec was DOA a long time ago.

I just hope wherever Al is, he’s not overdoing the bean dip.

Fetal position

2012-02-08T02:02:00.004-06:00

How much overlap do you suppose there is between people who bristle over wardrobe malfunctions and middle fingers at the Super Bowl halftime show, and people who are outraged that Randall Terry wasn't allowed to run anti-abortion ads during the game?

I imagine it resembles less of a Venn diagram than the Comedy Central logo.

I just watched the banned ads. It's an amazing feat to be so prepared to see something so inappropriate, and yet still be absolutely floored afterward.

Let's get one thing out of the way quickly: Randall Terry is in no way a serious presidential candidate. If he was, he'd be running as a Republican, not as a Democrat, on account of his obsession with abortion. (Even then, I suspect Buddy Roemer would smother him in the polls.) But instead, he has stated that his party choice is to throw a wrench into Barack Obama's campaign — which is the true mark of any legitimate run. So spare me the "subversion of free elections" talk.

In 1995, Alan Keyes' campaign booth was shut down at Ross Perot's United We Stand America conference because it featured a video of an abortion procedure. So on top of everything else, this isn't even a new idea. Nor is it a good one. Like most anti-abortion propaganda, it completely misses the point as to why people have abortions and why those people deserve a safe and legal avenue for it.

The ads operate under the premise that pro-abortion-rights people (or "pro-death Satanists," depending on your viewpoint) simply aren't aware that abortion is an exceedingly graphic and emotional procedure. Well, here's your lesson, heathens! Maybe now you'll think twice before consider an abortion ... or a hysterectomy, an appendix removal or anything else that's gross. I imagine that President Terry would promote good nutrition by depicting the sausage-making process circa 1906. "Christians who eat sausage have blood on their hands. Literally. Heaven will judge you, along with all the dead human digits you're eating."

I could get into the stupefying slams at President Obama, or the failure to distinguish between early- and late-term abortions, or the unwarranted Holocaust comparisons, or the potentially doctored footage, or the fallacy of running for president with only one issue that the chief executive can't directly affect anyway. But all of that matters less than Terry's strong desire to make this Super Bowl material. To think that even hardcore abortion opponents want to see such offensive and exploitative material during the telecast is the height of arrogance and zealotry. TV stations generally frown on Super Bowl advocacy ads in the first place, and even then they're usually referring to much milder stuff.

Fortunately, most of the nation rightfully views Terry as a fanatic whose graphic spots say far more about him than about anyone or anything else. Far from hurting Obama, Terry is probably the best thing that can happen to him; hell, he even makes Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican Also-Rands look palatable. Which is a word that will never describe where the Randall Terrys of the world want to take us.

Amen.

New Rules

2012-02-06T23:44:00.001-06:00

Rule #191: Viral Outbreak

YouTube does not get to preface my 1980s song video with a loud commercial for the new Ke$ha atrocity. If I wanted to buy it, I would get on iTunes or go to a music store. If I wanted to hear it for free, I'd be on a different YouTube page. Either way, the ad is pointless. Anyway, aren't music videos already ads?

Rule #192: He's driving to Disneyland

The Super Bowl MVP no longer gets a new car. He can take his bonus (or, for that matter, dollar bills lodged in his couch) and buy it himself. But if the league absolutely must bust an Oprah on Eli Manning, at least don't do it on the field. It's a recession, for the love of Pete Rozelle! Even in the go-go 1980s, celebrities appearing on game shows donated prizes rather than kept them. All this transaction does is remind us how much it pays off to be rich. As if we need to be reminded. You know who could really use a fast car? The slowest running back.

Rule #193: Like a virgin, touchdown for the very first time

The Super Bowl halftime show is not a babysitter, a role model, a parent, coach, clergyman or anything else holding any authority over your child. It's a live musical event watched by billions, featuring anywhere from dozens to hundreds of performers — at least one of whom is going to get a kick out of doing the forbidden. Our culture has a huge problem, and it isn't immorality; it's that we're collectively three years old, and we like saying "doody." We're so Puritan that we've made words, gestures and tits into salacious things, while at the same time creating the largest possible stage for all those uncouth things to drop. And we've decided that it must be "family-friendly," the family apparently being the namesake of the American Family Association. The sum of all this is that someone, somewhere, said on Sunday night, "Did I just see a middle finger? But I thought this Madonna show was family friendly!" I'm only two years older than Madonna's career, but even I remember when she was the most controversial thing going. Mark my words — in 15 years, Snoop Dogg and Cee-Lo Green will duet on "Fuck You," and no one will bat an eye ... until Snoop says that pot hasn't killed him yet. Then, look out!

Rule #194: Go ahead, make my play

All Super Bowl ads should be this awesome. Strike that. ALL ads.

Rules archive

Tales of a First Grade Pointless

2012-02-05T23:53:00.000-06:00

While looking for something I didn't find today, I stumbled upon my 1st-grade report card.

It was only downhill from here.

From top to bottom, the subjects are: reading; language; handwriting; spelling; social living; mathematics; music, arts and crafts; and P.E. Why can't those always be what we learned?

My conduct that year was sterling as well, also something that didn't become a tradition. By 4th grade, I was winning awards for "Most Improved Attitude," which is about as backhanded as awards get.

The whiteout is the best part here.

Speaking of "AAAAAAA," I was saying that a lot that year, because I suffered from a long, painful bout with bronchitis. I remember getting my report card after that six-weeks period and wondering how in the hell I missed only seven days.

But notice that I didn't miss class even when I split my head open in September. Considering it happened in class, maybe that wasn't for the best.

I had yet to be picked on in first grade, though I was aggressively working my way toward it. I made nearly straight A's, often earned perfect attendance and killed at "Heads Up 7-Up." I also earned a promotion to Reading Group 3, which to this day remains a source of professional pride. I conquered both a severe illness and a head injury, and played for the Yankees tee-ball team.

I also peed in my pants frequently in class.

You never have it all.

Live-blogging Super Bowl XLVI

2012-02-05T20:56:00.001-06:00

• Rush Limbaugh apparently said this past week that he wouldn't disclose who he voted for in the Florida Republican primary because "it would destroy my objectivity as a journalist." I'm starting to think more and more that maybe Rush really is just an avant-garde performance artist. I've suspected that for years.

• A new study claims that a lower IQ in childhood makes someone more likely to be conservative and/or hold prejudicial beliefs as an adult. It's just one study, and I'm sure a lot of variables could be called into question, but it makes sense to me. Those with limited intellect tend to have limited curiosity, which often leads to fear/disdain of anything different. So it makes sense that they'd adopt a political philosophy that celebrates provincialism. People who are educated and travel tend not to be backwoods. That doesn't indict every conservative as stupid, or vice versa, but it's definitely a train of thought I can follow.

• I've just spent the last 20 minutes watching Faces of Death videos on YouTube. Not sure what that says about me.

And now for some actual game-related thoughts:

• This is the second Patriots-Giants Super Bowl that I missed part of because I was out doing better things.

• It's a shame such a great Super Bowl logo is wasted on this game. It might be time to reconsider the whole division/conference thing after this.

• Madonna and friends actually put on a decent halftime show. Color me shocked.

• Speaking of Rush, apparently he's in the Patriots' owner's box. That isn't helping.

• These have to be the most bandwagon fans ever to attend a Super Bowl. They cheer everything and boo everything, with the occasional "CRUUUUUUUZ."

• After deliberately not watching it online, I apparently missed the Ferris Bueller ad. Amazing, considering that I was sitting down at the same time people were live-tweeting that it was on.

• The game itself is pretty good, or at least close. That hurt to say.

• This game might come down to a blatant pass-interference call the Patriots deserved but didn't get. If it does, it'll cap possibly the most bent postseason ever.

• Maybe not. Wes Welker missed an easy catch. Karma rebalanced?

• OK, I'm into it now. These last two minutes will be epic.

• Wow. Eli Manning is a credit to overshadowed little brothers everywhere. This year's Giants are a true testament to parity. Now THAT hurt to say. Terrific finish, though. Hard to beat.

• Who Dat!

A conversation I had tonight

2012-02-05T00:48:00.004-06:00

Somebody guessing a person for a game: "Glenn Beck?"

Girl: "Who's Glenn Beck? I've never heard of him."

Me: "You're not missing much."

Who Dat on dat calendar?

2012-02-04T09:19:00.002-06:00

While at a bookstore last night, I stumbled upon the official New Orleans Saints 2012 calendar. I pondered buying it, because I still have the 2011 version of that same calendar up on my wall, open to Drewcember.

But then I flipped it over to find that Reggie Bush is January. Really? I get there's some lead time on these things, but I didn't realize it was an entire year.

To make matters worse, Albert Connell was August. No, not really. It was Orlin Kreutz. Kidding.

New Rules

2012-02-04T09:10:00.001-06:00

Rule #189: But many of his best friends are blah

If you say black, don't go back. At the 27-second mark in this video from January, Rick Santorum hesitates before saying, "I don't want ... to ... to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money." But because he fudged the word "black," he later said he was trying to say "blah." What?

OK, so I suppose that's technically true, in the sense that many people (myself included) trip on certain words when we find ourselves blurting something that makes our brain stem recoil. But the answer isn't to dig the hole deeper with this ridiculous attempt at damage control. Rick, you're a far-right Republican, campaigning in the tea party era, talking about welfare; we know exactly what you meant. We would have known if you hadn't said any adjective before "people."

As president, Ronald Reagan once got caught calling the media "sons of bitches" on tape. Larry Speakes, his press spokesman, tried to play it off by insisting Reagan said, "It's sunny and you're rich." So this is progress, I guess. But still, all I hear in the aftermath is, "blah blah blah." Say what you mean and own it! When Newt Gingrich calls Obama the "food stamp" president, he doesn't pretend he said, "dude vamp" president. Leave the nonsensical ramblings to Sarah Palin, where they're safely quarantined.

Rule #190: Jealous! See?

I have an idea for a Republican joke: something playing on the name of NAACP president Ben Jealous. His name literally evokes class warfare! Anybody? Anybody?

On the other hand, I can see why they wouldn't mine it — Ben Jealous accurately describes all of the GOP presidential candidates. That, or Also Rand.

All the New Rules Bill Maher doesn't find fit to print

Hands Cross America

2012-02-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

A Facebook friend shared this picture last night. It has its own Snopes page. But you knew that.

Forget the fact that it's manipulated, and focus instead on what the message is supposed to be: the Obamas disrespect America through deliberate mockery of pledging.

Even if that were true — which, again, it isn't — I get so tired of people obsessing over stuff like this. Aren't there better stupid, fake things to chide the Obamas about without having to wallow in Photoshop fail like this?

"Their hands are wrong. Hurrr. I'll bet they don't even fly faded, torn flags until they disintegrate like I do! Socialists!"

It's stupid anyway, because by all accounts, Obama is much more mindful of military salutes than his so-called patriotic predecessor.

But I guess when you're choosing between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, you have to have something to keep you occupied until 2016.

We the Paint-By-Numbers

2012-02-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

Apparently, the artist behind my previous art entry is really into church, state and other things that mix like oil and water. Painting joke FTW!

Where there’s a painting, there’s a story. Let’s roll.

Once upon a time after 2009, Jesus Christ felt that American man had become too wicked. So he made like Akeem and came to America.

“I AM JESUS, KING OF THE BRITONS!” he proclaimed loudly.

Jesus then bore a scroll. An excited little boy named Christopher Robin ran up and pointed to it.

“Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!” Christopher sang merrily. “You killed her so completely!”

“No, little boy. This is not a death certificate, either long form or short. This is the U.S. Constitution!” the LORD spaketh.

“What is the Constitution?” Christopher asked.

“You know who should ask that? BARACK OBAMA,” Jesus said. “BURNNNNN! But seriously, you should ask Ron Paul. You have no way to the answer but through him.” — Paul 3:16

“But Ron Paul isn’t in this painting!”

“He is within all of us. Now, Christopher, hold that finger up for several minutes while I summon all of American history to make histrionic gestures like it’s the Last Supper reboot.”

As if by magic, a whole bunch of people then showed up, both good and bad. You could tell who’s who because they’re all living bumper stickers.

“What’s with all the soldiers, Jesus?” Christopher asked. “Why are they crying?”

“Because Barack Obama is president, my son. He makes a mockery of the military by kicking butt in the justified wars and exiting the dubious ones.”

“Is that Herman Cain in the modern gear?”

“He’s supposed to be Mike Singletary, but...OK, yeah. Why not?”

"Wait...his uniform says 'King.' As in Martin Luther King Jr.? Why would he be a soldier? Wasn't he about nonviolence and peace?"

"It's a metaphor, son. A very ill-informed metaphor. It's kind of the motif. Malcolm X is dressed as a hippie handing out free sandwiches, but that got cropped from the canvas."

“Is the Pledge of Allegiance being said? I don’t want to pull an Obama if it is.”

“No, because some of the good people aren’t covering their hearts. If it was being said, all of the good people here would be doing it and only the liberals wouldn’t be. But some people cover their heart all the time. Because that’s what true patriots do.”

“What’s the hand-out gesture all about?”

“Either prayer or welfare, depending on the, ahem, demographic.”

“What’s welfare?”

“It’s a very bad thing that goes against all of my teachings.”

“Oh, I see it right here on the Constitution! Right in the first paragraph! ‘Promote the general welfare.’ ”

“Uh...er, do you know what the other word means? Prayer?”

“Sure, Mr. Jesus! I’ll bet I can find it in the Constitution too!”

“Uh, hey, look in front of us! Two groups of people on the steps!”

“Let me guess...one group is good and one is bad?”

“Isn’t that always the way?”

“Why is that man with the Charles Darwin book making that face?”

“Because he’s smug in his knowledge of knowledge.”

“But isn’t everybody in this painting making a smug face?”

“Yes, my son, but the conservatives can do it because they’re right, so that doesn’t count.”

“Ah.”

“What makes the good people good?”

“They have babies and flags and good books. They also have digested apple pies and hot dogs in their stomachs, which you can see in the life-size version of this painting.”

“Why do they look so desperate, like conservatism has beaten them down?”

“It’s not that at all! They’re just showing a sufficient degree of awe for Me. It’s easy to confuse the two, I know.”

“Is that an immigrant? I thought immigrants were bad.”

“They are, unless they’re learning to worship me. Or if they’re me!”

“What about the bad people? What makes them so bad?”

“Oh, you mean the activist judges and Hollywood agents and lawyers and journalists and teachers and —”

“AAAAUGH!!”

“Right.”

“But wait a minute. Some of the people behind you seem to undermine the point of this whole thing. Harriet Tubman? Frederick Douglass? Susan B. Anthony? Christa McAuliffe? JFK? Do you think any of them make a case for a white, Christian theocracy ruled by blind faith and lack of education and strong government?”

“I think you just changed my mind on abortion, kid.”

“Good, because I think Satan’s crew is about to kick that pregnant woman in the stomach. Because they’re liberals and hate pregnancy.”

“That’s right.”

“And I get what the lawyer’s downfall is. As it says in the Bible, ‘for the love of money is the root of all evil.’ ”

“Where does it say that in the Constitution, kid?”

“I was talking about the Bible — ”

“Go walk on some water, kid.”

And with that, Jesus wept.

No he didn’t. The judge did. Because he judged.

And all the cool people who couldn’t be ironically co-opted went to hell.

THE END

Free financial acumen

2012-02-01T21:47:00.002-06:00

So I just got some terrific financial advice from a guy bragging about the size of his savings account.

"Spend less than you make."

Now, if I can just think of ways to not need new tires, doctor's visits or any of the other one-time things that clean my clock despite my best efforts, I'll be in business!

Am I right, America?

Presidential PARTAY

2012-02-01T21:24:00.000-06:00

You’ve probably seen this inspired piece of “art” that’s going around Facebook lately. But do you know the true story behind it?

Once upon a time, Jim was waiting for a bus in Washington, D.C. He wasn’t feeling too wonderful, because he’d spent the entire day looking for a job to no avail. He’d worked in an apple pie factory, but Mexicans took his job to China. Not that it mattered, because the fiat Federal Reserve currency had become so worthless that people just littered the ground with it these days, along with birth certificates. If Jim hated anything more than being unemployed, it was America’s lack of a gold standard. You could tell he had been out of work for a long time because his normally professional appearance had taken a hit. Why, his hair was so shaggy that many people mistook him for an Obama voter! Jim’s once immaculately pressed slacks had decayed into jeans, and he stared despondently at his loafers, waiting for them to decompose into sneakers like the stinkards wore.

Just then, a big presidential reunion suddenly converged around him. “Christ,” he thought to himself. “I bet all these fucking presidents want on the bus.”

Ronald Reagan and three better presidents approached Jim with their hands out. “No thanks,” Jim said. “I don’t need a handout. I need a hand up.”

“Look at this guy,” Abraham Lincoln said angrily. “He’s hogging the whole bench!”

“Yeah, Obama, what are you gonna do about it?” George Washington asked accusingly.

“ROWWWRRRRRR,“ Obama growled satanically.

“Hey, Jim, who do you think would play me in a movie?” Thomas Jefferson asked. “My money’s on Gene Hackman. Or maybe Lloyd Bridges.”

“I have my hand out because you’re all doing it too,” Reagan said. “There you go again.” All of the presidents and Jesus applauded thunderously.

“Pardon me, Mr. President,” James Madison said. “You seem to have some toilet paper stuck underneath your shoes.”

“ZUUL!” Obama spat forth hellfireriffically.

“I was a Founding Father, and yet I never wiped my ass once," Madison continued. "Millard Fillmore was the first president to use a toilet in the White House.”

“Who?” Fillmore asked from the back.

“Oh,” John F. Kennedy said, pointing in disgust. “That’s what that is.”

“What’s Doc Brown doin’ here?” asked George W. Bush, also pointing to Madison. “Oh yeah, he was the actor president in ’85. My bad.”

“Hey, Madison!” yelled Franklin Roosevelt. “What’s freaking you out so much about Obama? I’m standing, for crying out loud!”

“I think I see the bus coming,” Bill Clinton said. “Clap if you were an awesome president!”

“I don’t even have hands,” Richard Nixon replied.

“I don’t clap, just like I don’t hold my hand over my heart,” Obama said all Kenyany. “Now where’s that bus? It’s taking us all straight to hell, and I’m taking the wheel. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

But there was no bus. Budget cuts. Bummer.

THE END

Zero sum? More like, zero sense

2012-01-30T23:28:00.002-06:00

What you are about to read is wrong.

What's happened in the past decade, Laycock says, is that the culture wars have become a zero sum game. When one side wins, the other loses.

"The conservative religious groups want to take away all the liberty of the pro-choice and gay-rights people, and the pro-choice and gay-rights people want to take away all the liberty of the conservative religious groups," he says. "Neither side seems interested in the American tradition of 'live and let live' and protect the liberty of both sides."

Still with this false-equivalency crap! When did dismissing every viewpoint equally become synonymous with critical thinking? "Oh, I don't take sides. They're all bad." Must be nice.

First off, there is no actual "culture war." Is it really a war if only one side is doing all the fighting? Especially if the bulk of said "fighting" is a bunch of loudmouths making pow-pow noises with their mouths?

Second, it's not a zero-sum exchange. One side wants to deny civil rights and legal medical procedures on religious grounds. The other side wants to keep them from doing that. That's not exactly the same thing. Hell, it's not even close to the same thing! If the pro-choice and gay-rights people get their way, no one loses anything, because there's no "liberty" to be protected in bigotry and discrimination. But if the conservative religious groups had their way, Americans would be far less free.

Conflating the two sides is like saying liberals are hypocrites because they don't tolerate intolerance — as if being inclusive of diverse viewpoints means you have to embrace hatred. "Live and let live" doesn't mean, "live and do nothing about injustice."

False comparisons such as Laycock's make me mad because they trivialize a very real issue. Not to mention liberty itself. No one side is all right or all wrong, but they are different. And in this case at least, one's far better than the other.

Things that count as wars on religion

2012-01-30T19:46:00.001-06:00

The Crusades

The Spanish Inquisition

The Holocaust

What doesn't count as a war on religion

"President Obama wants to take away my right to use federal dollars to deny people medical services that make my narrow personal beliefs cry!"

"It troubles me that the government I distrust so much for its overbearing power and thirst for absolute control of the people is becoming less dominated by theological fanatics."

"We just gave civil rights to another group of people?!!"

Everybody clear? Good.

Staying together

2012-01-28T12:14:00.001-06:00

I smiled so big when I saw this:

When most leaders or other non-singers try to pay tribute to a song, it's usually pretty awkward. Not here, because President Obama is a badass. Not the kind of voice even I expected. Rev. Al Green said afterward that Obama "nailed it." I'd say he did. I love moments like this for reasons I can barely explain, but really I shouldn't have to.

For my tea party readers, the Apollo Theater is known for its tough crowds and the Sandman, who would yank off terrible acts with a giant cane. Even Lauryn Hill once got booed off stage.

I have a feeling, though, that Obama isn't about to be.

Mathhole

2012-01-28T11:58:00.000-06:00

At the risk of sounding like a sexist Barbie doll, math is hard.

I’m bad at math. Really, really bad. Just yesterday, in fact, I miscalculated someone’s age by 10 years. Granted, that was unusual. But the fact remains that I do not think in optimal terms to be a math whiz. I took gifted math classes in school from 2nd grade to 5th, and struggled mightily the whole time. Even in the lower-level classes I took from there on out, my brain tubes often clogged with solidified integers. I did somehow test into algebra in 8th grade — must have been a good day — but I ultimately had to take it over in 9th grade. I eventually developed an aptitude for algebra, in the sense that if you do anything long enough, you get good at it until you stop. Still, I’ve always been a creative guy to the core. It’s probably no accident that I had to take only two math courses the entire time I was in college, both in my freshman undergraduate year, and both easy. I made C’s.

As much as I hate to be deficient in any skill, I’m most at terms with not being math-minded. I’d like to be better at it, but I’m strong enough to get by. I have plenty of friends who love math and its related fields as much as I love writing. To me, that diversity is what makes the world go round.

As it turns out, though, that’s not the case. I’m a moron and I suck.

I thought about writing a rebuttal to “Math doesn’t suck, you do” in the same tone as the piece. But I was too worried people would take it at face value, and I don’t want to come off as overly pompous. That said, I will note the grammatical error in the title; that comma should be a semicolon. Moving on.

I realize that I’m probably giving this more thought than it deserves. It’s just some rant by someone who probably thinks it’s funny to act superior and curse way too much. Still, I can’t shake it because I’ve heard it so many times by people who were being serious. Also, it’s easy to do. Here are some choice excerpts:

If you suck at math, what you really suck at is following instructions.

I’d rather suck at following instructions than have that be my defining skill.

Why is math the only discipline that has to put up with this bullshit? People gladly learn art, music, literature and geography.

I recall those disciplines having their own detractors as well — usually the superior math people.

When is the last time you wrote a haiku, asshole?

More recently than I wrote an advanced quadratic equation.

Why should you learn math? Because fuck you, that's why.

Please show your work for this answer.

Don't think elevators are awesome? Take the stairs next time, asshole. That's what people who hate math get: stairs.

I always take the stairs. It’s better exercise. I’m glad math didn’t invent those!

One of the pitfalls of being proficient in something is that it’s easy to forget it doesn’t come as naturally to others. Many educators have this problem, rendering their classes impenetrable. It’s also what makes some math whizzes, like whoever wrote this, such intolerable people. The biggest flaw of this screed is that it makes no distinction between those who piss on math and those who just don’t have the aptitude for it. It’s as if I lumped the functionally illiterate with people who can read, but brag about how it’s a waste of time.

And I object to that, because I was never one of those kids who whined, “When am I ever gonna need this?” I never brag about how I can’t cook, and I’m not proud of sucking at math. Yes, I felt stupid when I struggled at math, but that happens when an endless parade of teachers and math-savvy classmates insist that it’s the simplest, most absolute concept in the universe. I wanted to kill at math just like I did (and do) want to kill at everything, but for whatever reason I couldn’t do it. I don’t know what that makes me, but I doubt it makes me a moron. But along comes writing like this to remind me just what a useless Neanderthal I am, adrift and doodling in a world where the superior math-minded among us are making the world shake. And if I’m not a math guy, it’s my own fault, wasting my time by writing and pursuing other useless creative junk.

At least that’s what I gather from this piece...of...writing. Hmmm. Creative communication isn’t so useless after all, huh, fella? Just get better at it, because you’re making yourself look bad, asshole.

The Ian McGibboney Ron Paul Newsletter Letter

2012-01-28T10:18:00.000-06:00

No matter how you slice it, there is absolutely no way Ron Paul looks good in the wake of his newsletter hullabaloo. Anybody trying to justify or excuse the racist content of his past publications should just quit while they’re slightly less behind.

Let’s examine the possible scenarios:

1) Ron Paul is directly responsible for the racism, and it reflects his exact thoughts. Well, obviously, that wouldn’t be good.

2) Ron Paul didn’t write the racist content. But he did include it in a publication with his own name in the title, which would seem to suggest that he felt it worthy of inclusion even if it didn't reflect his views. People who name things after themselves tend to make sure those things don’t sully their reputation.

3) Ron Paul didn’t adequately vet the content because he was too busy doing leader-type stuff. At best, this means he’s an irresponsible editor. Publishers are charged with ensuring their output meets certain standards of accuracy and fairness. If he didn’t have time to do that, then he should have stepped down. And considering the Washington Post reports that Paul was very hands-on in editing the material — more so than your average publisher, even — this one strikes me as a flat-out lie.

4) Ron Paul included it to attract business. This is the worst one of all. From a pure market standpoint (Paul’s favorite), one can argue that there’s a ton of money in bigotry. Paul apparently proved it, considering the financial windfall that resulted. But fanning the flames of hatred for profit is disgusting. And it’s especially disgusting if you don’t even believe it yourself. In this situation, Paul would have more integrity if he actually was racist. That’s unfortunate.

But hey, he’s against the war, so there’s that.

To the point

2012-01-27T22:53:00.002-06:00

I can't wait to not be sick and/or tired anymore.

New rules (SOTU style)

2012-01-24T22:42:00.002-06:00

Rule #185: All we want is white beyond the Thunderdome

If you lead a push to put a more positive spin on slavery in your state’s textbooks, you lose all right to insist you’re not racist. Tea party activists in Tennessee are calling for textbook criteria that calls for “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred [to] obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens.” In other words, as Fayette County attorney and group spokesman Hal Rounds put it, the measure would combat “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the Founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.” But is it really made up? I guess that’s one less debate Tennessee students will be having. That’ll give them more time to not debate other issues.

I wonder what their music textbooks would say about Ike Turner? “He was one of the most innovative pioneers in the history of rock ‘n’ roll. He hit his biggest fame with then-wife Tina Turner in 1960. They parted ways in 1976. To explain why would be to obscure this amazing man’s monumental contributions to history.” Or, given his race, they might say instead, “Ike Turner was not a slave because we’re past that now.” Either way, it’s no wonder Tina got the hell out of Nutbush.

History isn’t supposed to be a Glamour Shot; sometimes it’s a faded daguerreotype that shows our most unflattering side. And that’s the depiction we need to see the most. Anything less is, well, whitewashing.

Rule #186-A: Time to make the POTUS

Don’t complain that President Obama’s State of the Union speech was too long. It was barely over an hour — some of the dumbest reality shows on TV last longer and have 1 percent of the substance, if that. When it comes to a president’s vision for the entire year, I think one hour is the least it deserves. Anyway, it’s Obama forcefully pushing for populist stances — I could listen to that all night long. George W. Bush’s speeches still ring in my head all these years later, so I can always use a new tune.

Rule #186-B: PR pabulum

If I can ascertain exactly what an analyst will say about the State of the Union address as soon as I see their name, then your network needs a better booking agent. Paul Begala vs. Ari Fleischer? I respect both men (to a degree), but be still my heart? I want to hear what a speech expert or a respected public figure says, not a partisan pundit. There should at least be a potential for suspense. That’s what makes it news.

Rule #186-C: Response ability

The response to the speech can no longer be written in advance. It’s bad enough that such a speech tends to be cornier than its often-corny counterpart; it’s even worse to have an up-and-coming politician recite it so painfully that you feel for him even as you roll your eyes at what he’s saying. Granted, it’s hard to follow President Obama, but at least a spontaneous speech might make the closing bit worth sitting through.

Rule #186-D: Construct the criticism

Everybody who disses this year’s speech should be able to say who exactly would be better as president and what would have been better to say. I didn’t agree with everything Obama said, but I thought his overall tone and direction were superb. Not that you’d know it from the usual contrarians, many of whom are saying Obama is any combination of terrible, embarrassing and/or a moron. Really? Because that sounds like a random reaction. When Bush was president, I mocked his speeches mercilessly - but that’s because he was a terrible public speaker with a seeming fetish for saber-rattling and torture methods. He deserved criticism for that. This year’s speech, on the other hand, is too good for the criticism it’s getting from all of the usual suspects. And that makes me wonder how genuine such sentiments are. If you can back them up, fine. If you can’t, I’ll just assume you were ready to say what you did before the president took to the lectern, and dismiss it accordingly.

Rule #186-E: Bye, partisanship

Bipartisanship needs a better definition than a Republican helping Gabrielle Giffords stand up during key moments in the speech. That’s not political cooperation; that’s being a decent human being, which should have nothing to do with affiliation. If bipartisanship is what we want, then why doesn’t Congress agree to move on some of the most embarrassingly universal issues ever to be stalled in the name of partisan turf wars? Now that would be impressive.

Rule #187: Superior oratory

Don’t tell me I can’t understand something. It makes me not want to.

Rule #188: Sorry, Charlie

Products should not be endorsed by the thing they kill. No more commercials about fish (or peanuts, or whiskers) wanting to be eaten or cut. On the other hand, if you want to invest in the best blogger-slashing knife out there, you can’t do better than the DullButterBlade 5000! Tastes great on a biscuit, too!

New rules made less new by these new rules

Cracked rear view

2012-01-23T23:42:00.000-06:00

I don't know how real God is, but Traffic Jesus is definitely out there making some signs happen.

This afternoon, having left work early because I'm sick as turd, I found myself behind an old Honda CR-V at a stoplight. It's one of those cars that exemplifies the 1980s subcompact trend — reliable, but nevertheless really showing its age. It was blue, but it's hard to tell if it started out that color. I recognized the license plate as a 1994 issue, though the faded "96" decal poking out from one corner would give that away even to the most casual Louisiana plate fan. Above the fading plate, on the rear window, was the post-apocalyptic remnants of a Bush-Cheney bumper sticker. Really, the remaining flakes mostly said "Cheney." I pegged it as being from 2000, as opposed to the tighter type of 2004 (also the '04 decals actually said '04, so that helps).

It got me thinking back to 2000, when I lacked the wisdom to not ask people why they liked the Bush-Cheney ticket. This was back when the economy was steamrolling along and 9/11 was just some number nobody ever called because nothing was ever wrong. So of course there was a lot of, "I think I deserve a tax cut" and, "Bush will be great for my stocks." I wonder if the guy in the Honda (which was already pretty old in 2000) supported Bush because he thought it would net him a new ride. I'll bet it at least crossed his mind, even if he'd never admit to it today.

But maybe that's crazy talk. I tend to keep vehicles until they literally say to me, "I don't want to be alive anymore," which is why I've owned only two cars in my life. My grandfather owned three cars over a 35-year span — and one of those was a work truck that overlapped his two daily drivers. Everyone in my family keeps their cars for years. The point being, I can relate if this guy is just a thrifty, non-materialistic person. That's cool. And with that, I dismissed my bit of traffic cynicism.

Just then, a big, white, older-model work truck pulled to the side of Honda Man. The driver was an older white guy. He had adorned his truck with an Obama 2012 bumper sticker, which complemented the faded Howard Dean bumper sticker, as well as the liberal sentiment I didn't fully catch as the light turned green. Sometimes people surprise you.

Hindsight, on the other hand, hardly ever does.

Newt Gingrich, my hot ex

2012-01-23T22:58:00.001-06:00

If you had told me last year that the final four Republican presidential candidates were Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, I wouldn't have believed you. Well, OK, maybe half-believed you.

Romney? Yes. He's the theoretically electable one.

Santorum? Yes. He's the pure, crazy, double-down guy.

Paul? Yes, but not as a Republican. I wonder how his supporters reconcile their both-parties-are-the-problem view with their guy running in one those parties. Maybe it's like my tea party alter ego Earl "Clem" Bob says, "Both parties suck, especially the Democrats." All you need is EVOL.

Gingrich? Hell no. In 1995, I had a hot girlfriend*. It was great for awhile, but we didn't part on the best of terms. And we haven't spoken since. It would seem silly to call her up now and ask her for a date, because that would reek of my inability to move on and look like I was really reaching for some companionship, because I can't stand that loneliness is president. You get the idea.

On the other hand, maybe if she and I talked now, there might actually turn out to be better chemistry than before. In that case, why not make it work? Forget the bad times, am I right? That childish drama belongs in another era. Time heals all wounds and all that.

But, most likely, she'd still babble about how my Hall and Oates collection is lame. And such rhetoric is as inexcusable now as it was then. So much for that.

I won't get into the kissing and the Uma Thurman comparisons. The analogy falls apart then. Fortunately.

(* — Three of them, actually, which makes this analogy even more apt.)

My prediction for the Super Bowl

2012-01-22T22:22:00.004-06:00

Saints 42, Ravens 27

Packers 35, Ravens 21

Are you serious?!!

The 49ers won’t win it

I don’t even remotely care now that the Patriots got in

Why even bother watching?

The 49ers won't win it.

Good enough for me. I probably still won't bother watching.

Paterno into eternity

2012-01-22T11:55:00.000-06:00

Joe Paterno didn’t die of lung cancer. He died of heartbreak.

Regardless of what you, I or anyone else thinks about his role in the Jerry Sandusky scandal, it’s indisputable that Paterno loved coaching at Penn State. It was literally his entire life. And I’m convinced he always thought he was doing what was right, even when he wasn’t. And that, in combination with his sudden, jarring downfall, was simply too much to overcome for him. Lung cancer is an evil beast, but the will to live is also a powerful force.

Paterno was a Charles Schultz type — someone so iconic and prolific in their field that it’s impossible to imagine them doing anything else. And like with Schulz, who died just hours before the publication of his final strip, forces of nature couldn’t even withstand the prospect of seeing Paterno outside his element.

We all know someone like that. For me, it was the college track coach at the University of Louisiana, Charles Lancon. He was a local high school legend, having coached from 1957 to 1989, after which he retired. And by retiring, I mean he took the helm of a Division I NCAA college program and led them to more championship trophies than the office had shelf space. He always said each passing year would be his last, but he always came back. (He didn’t do it for the money, either; as a retiree of the school system, he earned something like $9,000 per year.) And even after practice was officially over, he’d often mentor middle- and high school runners just for kicks. Few could imagine him not coaching. He died of a heart attack in 2002, in the middle of track season. It was during a rare weekend off.

I wonder sometimes if I’m going to be one of those guys. Retirement is one of those things my generation rarely considers, both because it’s a long way off and because we’re cynical about the possibility of ever doing so. Even before the economy tanked, I never saw myself as someone who would just go fishing at some point. For better or for worse, I felt like someone who would never stop. I hate to quit anything, and when I do, it’s usually because time or eligibility runs out on it.

Paterno, no doubt, would have wanted a better ending to his career and life. Far from being someone whose work killed him, it seemed to kill him not to work. Because for him, work was special and life-affirming. For all the scandal that swirled around him at the end, he made a positive difference in thousands of lives. That shouldn’t be forgotten. I hope before the end he realized it hadn’t been.

I hope that one day I can channel the passion that each of these men had and carry it with me off into a sunset many, many sunsets from now. Preferably, on my own terms.

SOPA nation?

2012-01-18T00:58:00.002-06:00

In honor of the worldwide Internet protest against SOPA, the bill that would give businesses latitude to shut down alleged copyright infringers (in other words, virtually everybody), I will not post here today.

Crap.

Pajama pants? Parish the thought!

2012-01-18T00:49:00.001-06:00

Anytime Louisiana is the first state to do something, it’s usually terrible. This is one of those things. A lawmaker in Caddo Parish (home of Shreveport and the saggy pants saga that led to gangs) wants to ban the wearing of pajama pants in public. This comes after someone wearing pajama pants allegedly exposed himself at Wal-Mart.

OK. Let’s scratch the surface of all the ways this is absolutely, insipidly stupid:

• It’s a 24-hour department store, not your Legislator of the Year banquet. If I’m at Walgreens late at night, chances are my stomach hurts or I hit my head again. Either way, I’m coming as I am. Deal with it.

• It seems like the problem with exposing genitals through pants is the genitals, not the pants. This reminds me of the time some stupid prom kid in Lafayette Parish downed five undercooked burritos and six Jagermeister shots, and then vomited while drinking at the water fountain, so the parish banned water.

• What exactly constitutes pajamas? Stuff you sleep in? Because I tend to sleep in T-shirts and shorts, or (on cold days) a long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. There are also plenty of days when I crash in jeans or even slacks I wore to work. By definition, the only thing I wear that couldn’t be considered sleepwear is the occasional tuxedo. Or nudity. Either way, it’s classy.

• On second thought, don’t answer that. The author of this asinine ordinance is considering defining pajamas as anything sold in the sleepwear section of department stores. Pretty soon violators will get pulled over in Toys and hear, “License, registration and receipt.” And woe be upon you if the pants you’re wearing are hand-me-downs, or don’t come from a department store with a sleepwear section, or are on the edge of what’s considered pajama.

• Pajama pants are generally as long as pants, and longer than shorts. This is one of those points I think is best described in pictures. Take a look at the pants I’m wearing right now as even as I blog-speak:

It's true I don't wear these to Target, but that's only because everyone would know how much/little I paid for them.

Now here’s a picture of me playing football in my lucky football shorts:

I'm wearing underwear, too! In PUBLIC!

And which one of these shows more skin? The pants, of course. That’s why I play football in shorts — it’s easier to grab a Powerade at the gas station without all the guff.

• Can pajama pants sag? Caddo Parish hates saggy pants. Pajama pants tend not to sag, because that tends to suck when you’re sleeping. Ergo, it actually seems like wearing sleepwear out in public is something to encourage.

• Community service? Really? If I got sentenced to community service for wearing pajamas in public, I’d tell everyone I slapped a cop. I have a reputation to uphold. Also, I’d show up to court wearing my pajama pants. Because I’d be tired — tired of pointless laws designed to enforce some arbitrary standard of taste by some uptight, busybody legislator who could probably stand to loosen his belt a notch once in awhile. Also, because I’ve lost weight since I last bought slacks and I don’t want the judge to think I’m Jay-Z.

• Caddo Parish anagrams include “Rapid Cash OD,” “I do chaps rad” and “Sad Road, Chip.” How fitting! Pun intended.

Sigh

2012-01-15T23:54:00.000-06:00

As a kid, I would often feel down on Sunday nights, especially after exciting weekends. Much of that was having to wake up early the next morning to start the school week — but it was particularly acute following an extended holiday or some other event. That feeling faded as I got older and my life became less strictly structured, but has made a comeback in the past year or so. These past few weeks of holidays and the over-much-too-soon Saints playoff run will be tough to get over, especially without much else happening for awhile.

Oh well. Time for bed.

Next year is a long time off

2012-01-15T02:18:00.001-06:00

The Saints' playoff suicide against the San Francisco 49ers probably angered me more than any other loss I've ever endured. And after several hours of reflection, I think I've figured out why.

It's not because the Saints started off stumbling, came back, fell behind, came back again and melted at the absolute worst time.

It's not because the 49ers seemed hellbent on playing dirty from the very beginning, or that Candlestick Park's field had evidently been hosed prior to the game.

It's not because numerous friends of mine really like the 49ers and/or hate the Saints, and like to rub the victory in my face (or that some of them insist that football is an enslavement mechanism to keep us preoccupied or some garbage).

It's not because the Saints-Packers rematch that so many awaited will not happen now.

It's not because I no longer have any interest in how the season turns out, and I now have one fewer diversion now that this stellar season is forever tainted.

It's not because I now have to wait eight months before I can think about football without sadness, for a season that may or may not even approach this one.

It's not because I'm reminded what a lousy person I am for not immediately being able to let go of this and say how great the season was and rah rah and all that shit.

No, I think what really stings is that I saw an entire special teams' worth of punks in red uniforms do the cockiest team dance I've ever seen on the football field over and over, beginning well before they had the game in the bag. Before halftime, even. And karma was not a bitch. The dirty showboats got no comeuppance of any kind. And I learned once again that the good guys don't always win.

I get it. I get it. Enough already.

My predictions for the Saints-49ers game

2012-01-14T09:11:00.003-06:00

Despite being the technical favorite in the game, the New Orleans Saints leave doubt in many minds as to their ability to win on the road, on grass, outside, in slightly cool weather and against crowd noise that isn't theirs. After all, the Saints lost half of their games outdoors this season. Two. That means they won the other two. That glass is half full, if you ask this homer.

The San Francisco 49ers really make the most of their offense, riding 35 touchdowns to a 13-3 record and the No. 2 seed in the NFC. This is a testament to their vaunted defense, because that sucks. By contrast, the Saints scored 66, or 72 if you adjust for playoff inflation. Hell, the Minnesota Vikings scored 39, and they're the Vikings. Though to be fair, if the 49ers score 35 touchdowns today, that will probably be insurmountable.

But that depends on if Drew Brees once again shows up for the Saints. Brees, who has been compared to Tim Tebow, broke Dan Marino's single-season passing record this year. Marino set the record in 1984, before Tim Tebow was born. Brees had nearly broken the record in 2008, coming up 15 yards short. Tim Tebow didn't play then.

It will take everything the 49ers' top-ranked defense can bring to halt the merciless march of the Saints' top-ranked offense. But if anyone can slow down the balanced, multi-pronged attack of Pierre Thomas,

Darren Sproles, Tim Tebow, Chris Ivory, Marques Colston, Devery Henderson, Robert Meachem, Tim Tebow, Jimmy Graham and Tim Tebow, it's the San Francisco D. Led by Aldon Smith, Justin Smith, Tim Tebow Smith, Patrick Willis, NaVorro Bowman, Tim Tebow, Carlos Rogers, Dashon Goldson and Tim Tebow, the Niners' attack could Tebow like never before to keep the game close.

Alas, I think it will be too much for the 49ers. Though they most likely will hold the Saints to substantially fewer than the 45 points we've all come to expect, the Saints' underrated defense will, at worst, allow the 49er offense a normal showing, which won't be enough. Defensive coordinator Gregg Williams-Tebow has promised to once again run numerous blitz schemes on San Fran quarterback Alex Aldon Justin Smith Tebow. The idea is to limit the 49ers to field goals, a scheme that involves letting the 49ers' offense on the field and giving the Saints defense busywork.

Final prediction: Saints win a close one, Tebow-Tebow.

Blogger Ian's Tabatha Criticism Harangue

2012-01-12T20:13:00.001-06:00

When my mom came to visit me for a week in Missouri in the summer of 2009, she beat me to within an inch of my life and had me tearfully begging for my dad. I mean, she exposed me to Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. Mom loves this show. I’m not sure I love my mom.

If you’ve never seen the show — lucky you — it’s about this bitch named Tabatha who bitches failing salons into submission by saying bitchy things, after which everyone says how bitchin’ she is. She also hates hugs. What a bitch.

And lest you object to my calling Tabatha a bitch, she proudly calls herself the same thing. To her, being a bitch is about being a strong, assertive and forthright woman. And apparently the entire world agrees — after being subjected to my first episode of Tabatha’s Salon Makeover, I googled “Tabatha mean” and found nothing. Well, OK, I found stuff like, “Tabatha means what she says and says what she means,” but nothing that made me feel like anyone else on this entire dirty mudball shared my opinion of her. And that’s saying something, because it’s the Internet, where I’m pretty sure you can find essays on the virtues of child molestation (knock yourself out if you want to search that — I won’t).

I had to wait for the comments on the above-linked HuffPo piece before I realized anyone agreed with me about Tabatha. She has many, many fans, including my mom. I’m told that her tart “quips” are in the service of good, and that the people she berates and belittles not only deserve it, but ask for it. I’m told it’s a TV show, and she makes for great TV. None of that has ever kept me from watching to punch something three minutes into an episode.

My problem with Tabatha (and anyone else like her) is not that they’re trying to make things better, or that they’re forthright and honest — it’s that they’re cruel in the process. There’s an old saw that you have to be an asshole to get things done — that’s my least-favorite saying ever, right up there with “the good must suffer for the bad” and “boo hoo.” It’s bad enough to be that way, but celebrating it is even worse.

I can’t stand when people pat themselves on the back for how blunt, straight-shooting, common-sensical, no-nonsense and honest they are. Those aren’t bad qualities in and of themselves, but not if they’re substitutes for empathy and tact. And in those cases, they usually are.

Tabatha insists she’s doing someone a favor by telling them their sweater is ugly. Just seems mean to me. It’s one thing if someone asks and really wants an answer, but I get the sense that she isn’t referring to that situation. Does she really think someone wearing said sweater hasn’t considered the fact that it might be tacky at least? And even if they haven’t, are they on the edge of their seats hoping almighty Tabatha B. Coffey offers her opinion, er, incontrovertible fact about it?

Tabatha can justify her bitchiness all she wants, but to me embracing the label is less about celebrating forthright feminism than it is an excuse to wallow in cruelty, rudeness and narcissism. One the image problems feminism has is that it’s often defined as all-or-nothing — either you’re a man-pleasing doormat or you’re a ferocious, brutally frank bitch. And what does that pair of extremes accomplish apart from justifying every sexist dismissal of women?

(And, no, I wouldn’t feel differently if Tabatha were a man. I hate when men act this way as well. Bullying is bullying.)

Gender equality is an awesome thing. Women being hailed for being as obnoxious as the jerkiest men is not. There’s definitely some middle ground to be had on the whole tiger/doormat issue. Can we — men and women alike — please find it? I’m tired of Tabatha being held up as a feminine icon. There are so many better examples, none of whom deserve or need to embrace the label “bitch” in the way Tabatha does. Meredith Brooks comes to mind. She’s also a lover, child and mother at least.

I hope this blog hasn’t been too blunt. Or bitchy.

Marvel over this masterpiece of DC influence

2012-01-09T23:54:00.000-06:00

Darin Wagner: How liberalism may be hurting comic book sales

I understand how a political point can taint a piece of entertainment. When you long to be entertained, you generally aren’t looking for a debate. You don’t even have to disagree with the point; for me, a heavy-handed liberal point is just as cringeworthy as a conservative one. Sometimes it doesn’t take an overt statement; it could be something a creator or director says in an interview that retroactively ruins a body of work.

But if you’re offended by everything out there — including the nefarious notion that oil pollution is bad — then the problem probably lies with you. If you see everything as political, then you will inevitably bristle at the goofiest things. In his article, Wagner definitely suffers from an acute case of the goofy bristles.

Wagner is not mad that comic books are too political; he says they’re too liberal. So clearly he thinks it would be OK if they were more conservative. Judging by his piece, Wagner defines conservatism as America, apple pie, heroes and fluffy bunny Red Dawn dollar bills — and any deviation from that is practically treasonous. In this universe, Superman wouldn’t diss the mall as a temple for those who worship their credit cards; he’d stand for the American way by being a mall cop. (Presumably, Clark Kent would be a macho-mannered journalist for Fox News.) Instead of making a throwaway jab at SUVs, Black Canary would deny global warming. Would Green Arrow appeal to the rich and give up on the poor?

I suppose all that would be pleasing to Wagner. But would it be any good? Not a chance. The problem with most conservative entertainment is that it’s more about delivering a polemic message than actually being entertaining. That’s actually the problem with plenty of liberal entertainment too, though what Wagner cites hardly falls under that category. It seems logical that Aquaman would have a problem with oil spills for reasons that have nothing to do with his love for Al Franken books. Indeed, that particular example seems as timely and compelling as a comic book can get right now. And isn’t that the point?

I guess it isn’t, because everyone knows only conservatives buy comic books, unlike liberals, who hate money.

But of course I would think all that, coming from New York City like all those liberal comic artists. Oh wait, no. I’m from south Louisiana. Does not compute! Much like everything Wagner says.

Legally mandated Tim Tebow post

2012-01-08T23:06:00.002-06:00

I don’t have a problem with Tim Tebow. I do have a problem with the cult of personality that’s sprung up around him. Now that the Broncos won a close game in overtime with a long touchdown pass after squandering a big lead, I expect that to get worse in the week ahead.

*Checks Facebook and Twitter*

Oh, wait. It already has.

I’m still trying to figure out why Tebow is such a — forgive me — god to a lot of people. Is it because he’s a rookie making a splash? Can’t be that. He’s not a rookie, and Cam Newton and Andy Dalton are much better in terms of pure quarterback mechanics and adapting to complex pro offensive schemes. Is it because of Tebow’s oft-stated faith? A lot of less-heralded pro athletes are the same way. Is it because he got off to a red-hot start? That makes sense, but doesn’t explain why Denver fans were so eager to have him replace Kyle Orton in the first place.

Maybe it’s just a case of right place, right time, right culture war. Who knows?

In any case, Iike I said, Tebow himself doesn’t bother me. He’s probably likable enough on a personal level, and he’s just doing what he does, like we all do. And as obnoxious as it is, Tebow’s religious grandstanding seems to be earnest, at least.

But please, fans and media, I’m begging you, please stop.

The fact that Tebow threw for 316 yards has nothing to do with John 3:16 any more than Ben Roethlisberger’s No. 7 represents God’s holy day (though Big Ben did seem to rest on that final Sunday series). Yes, 316 passing yards is impressive, but it’s a bronze medal next to Drew Brees and Matt Stafford this weekend. If Jesus was telling us anything through Tebow’s yardage, it’s that he’s willing to limit his chosen player to make an obscure reference to a Bible passage that needs about as much introduction as Mark Hamill at a Star Wars convention.

Also, there’s a difference between dissing Tebow the man and complaining about the media over-saturation of a young, more-lucky-than-good quarterback. It’s understandable that Tebow dominates the front page of every sports site in the hours after a thrilling overtime playoff victory. But you can barely tell that’s the reason, because he’s been the top story all year long. And that does no justice to what a compelling year this has been for pro football.

This phenomenon is exactly the kind of thing that could eventually lead to a massive backlash, which won’t be fair to Tebow. It also doesn’t make the best case for God’s sense of selection, which seems to favor gimmicky quarterbacks and world leaders of highly questionable acumen.

I want to root for a team because I like them or hate them less than their opponent, not hope they lose because I’m literally nauseated from hearing about them so much.

God.

Forgive this rare moment of self-indulgence

2012-01-07T00:51:00.002-06:00

I made this timeline banner for Facebook. But I thought I'd share it here as well for those of you who aren't my friends there. You're the lucky ones, because only here will you get the story (or at least the time) behind each sliver. Will your luck never stop?

Clearly, my life has followed a traditional trajectory. Clearly.

Top row, from left:

• Christmas 1982. Try not to notice that I'm still in diapers.

• Christmas 1984. I'm assuming the jeans aren't hiding a diaper.

• Kindergarten graduation, 1986. I still have that weird hand tic.

• Performing, 1990. I was picked out of an assembly of my entire school to be clownish. I got to wag my tongue at my teacher. Consequence-free for once. There were comments about the length of my tongue. Cough.

• Ready for the year-end band recital, 1991. This was as dressy as I got then. It took me 20 years to like this picture.

• Ready for 8th grade prom, 1994. I went with my first-ever girlfriend. This marked the first time that I'm aware of that I wore a tie. It came with the shirt, which we bought at Wal-Mart. During that same shopping trip, I bought a pair of sandals I still occasionally wear to this day.

• Thanksgiving 1996. Tight as a rubber band. Note the Cool 96.5 T-shirt. My favorite station of all time, it would suddenly go defunct two months later.

• Hope, Arkansas, 2005. Took a bunch of pictures at the Bill Clinton Museum for this blog but never used them. Fun trip, though.

• Movie set, 2011: I'm portraying a football player for a film that shot in Lafayette. I didn't choose the number 40; it chose me.

Middle row, from left:

• Brother's birthday, 1984. I think Heathcliff wants to lick me.

• Third grade collage, 1988. That was a good year for self-portraits, apparently. Oh yeah ... I've never mentioned here that I won an award for another self-portrait I did in second grade. Well, I did.

• Playing football in Springfield, 2008. I believe this was an incomplete pass. My intended receiver insists he caught it. Let's go with his recollection. The Saints lost embarrassingly badly to the Panthers that day.

• My name as it appeared on my Missouri driver's license, 2007. Always preferred it to Louisiana's current design. (Note to stalkers: I DO NOT LIVE AT THAT ADDRESS, OR EVEN IN THAT STATE, ANYMORE. If you want my current address, there's probably an easier way to find it.)

• Assuming the normal position, 1983.

Bottom row, from left:

• Clowning around/being myself in Jackson Square, New Orleans, 2011. The hair is a direct result of wind and nothing deliberate.

• Butte La Rose, 1990. My uncle's girlfriend brought a hammock to our camp and my cousins, brother and I took turns posing in it. Note my L.A. Gears, the only shoes I ever bought for the license-plate tags.

• Lafayette, Louisiana, 2012. Note the Brady/Bieber dream hair and the oh-so-macho bat. Oh yeah.

The worst thing ever

2012-01-06T20:45:00.001-06:00

After conducting an interview this afternoon, I drove back to my office from the opposite direction than I’m used to taking. The turn into the building (a left) is pretty close to the interstate, and I almost always overshoot it as a result. That means I have to take the next left turn and turn around on a narrow driveway. I have to do this because the bank two buildings down from where I work, despite appearances to the contrary, does not connect with the building next door (which does share access with ours). As I turned around, I bemoaned this deceptive arrangement.

“This is the most jacked-up thing ever,” I said to myself. “Well, except maybe for the Holocaust. And many, many other things in between.”

Life’s all about perspective.

Occupy Tebow: The Best of 2011

2012-01-03T22:16:00.002-06:00

Well, another year has gone by. Years from now, someone old and crotchety (probably me) will say, "They don't make years like that anymore." Let's hope not.

Not Right About Anything went into hyperdrive in 2011. In fact, I wrote so much that I had to divide this year's best-of collection into three separate pieces just to keep it manageable. That's one section for each city I lived in during 2011, which can best be described as a hobo year. Sure, I could have saved time and raised my standards ... yep, I could have done that.

Anyway, enjoy. Again. Because it's old stuff.

Book 1: The political posts

Book 2: Spotlight on society

Book 3: My weird, transitory year

Best of 2011 - My weird, transitory year

2012-01-03T21:11:00.001-06:00

Book 3 of 3!

Farewell Springfield / Travel Travails

Greed is good? No, balance is better (1/22)

“Older, more conservative Ozarks lifers see San Fran, New York and other metropoli as exactly what Springfield shouldn’t be, epicenters of corruption, vice and crime. Younger generations are more likely to see those places as culturally vibrant hubs, and want Springfield to adopt their best characteristics. And given that young professionals are the future of Springfield’s economic machine, city officials must take heed of what they want.”

How God works (2/2)

“So I got a long-overdue workout, a natural ice pack for my ankle and a chance to vent about how terrible everything is to someone who understands. And that's how God works. And that's why I'm agnostic.”

A pissy travelogue (2/15)

“So the point of all of this is, ONE TOILET. Put ONE TOILET on U.S. 71!!”

Me / Unemployment Lines

I wasn't asked to do anything stupid here. Nobody ever has to ask.

What motivates me (2/10)

“I told myself at the time that I want to make a difference somehow. I’m still trying to figure out how, but the pursuit keeps me going. I hope that, whenever and however I go, I’ll be remembered for something substantial that I did in life. I don’t ever want to be ‘just another’ anything.” 

How I spent every Valentine's Day (2/14)

“1989: Didn't get valentines. My teacher's policy was that if you didn't bring any, you didn't get any (I wonder if this was her romantic policy as well). Somebody signed their valentines ‘Guess Who?’ This fueled intense speculation that ‘Who’ was me, which my repeated denials did not help. And no, it wasn't me. I was too burned out from The Legend of Zelda and George Bush to be clever.”

I want to help you (2/17)

“Those of you who are regular readers of this blog already know how awesome I am. But for those of you who don't, or who want to know more, here's what you should know about me.”

How is hair like a rapper? When it's Too Short (2/25)

“Get things done (verb) — 1) The appearance of getting things done, irrespective of whether such is actually the case; 2) Concentrating on superfluous decisions in lieu of less-sexy yet lasting change; 3) A cue for students to bend over, because here it comes again; 4) (Archaic) The act of getting things done.”

A good man (me) speaks (3/14)

“Personally, I love a woman who has a variety of interests and opinions, whether or not I share them. Likewise, anyone who passes through my picky filter will love me for who I am, not what I can give them. I don’t need someone to complete me or train me, and I’m not interested in doing the same to her.”

Hitting pay dirt at rock bottom (3/31)

“Americans like to talk about self-sufficiency, which I support 100 percent. But I think there are two types of people in America: those who enjoy making money and those who do it to get by. Plenty of both types abound, but I suspect there are much more of the second than the first. Almost everybody has or knows someone who has hung up their pursuits because they don’t pay the bills, and taken on full-time work that speaks to nothing of their interests and character. What does that do to a person over time?”

Presents of mind (4/4)

“At some point early in my life, a well-meaning relative on my dad's side of the family gave me a wonderful and useful gift. One that scarred me for most of my childhood.”

My first Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Not my last.

My Snooki Situation (4/12)

“A Snooki will always be more popular than an Ian McGibboney, because she’s more appealing on a visceral level. Just like you don’t have to turn on your brain to enjoy a football game, you pretty much have to shut off your mind to watch (or, sweet Jesus, read) Snooki. And people like to turn their brains off. If you gave most people the option of Snooki’s book or this single blog to read on the beach this Saturday afternoon, which do you think would emerge the victor?”

My time as a Nintendo designer (4/23)

“On the surface, it appears to be an ordinary, well-worn notebook. But it’s so much more than that. It’s the most enduring reminder of an era of Ian. And not because it contains notes or homework or other pointless junk, because it doesn’t — indeed, there isn’t one page of this notebook that contains anything productive. No, this volume was all about something much better. Wasting time. And boy, was I efficient at it!”

Mom sure timed this one right (5/8)

“As a small child, I often envisioned what I would look like when I was older. Glasses were a must, because my grandfather wore them and I wanted to be him. I also figured I’d wear a suit and tie. Basically, I’d be Clark Kent in Superman III, played by Christopher Reeve, then 31. Well, at least I got the mild-mannered journalist part right.”

The cruise ship Friendship (5/9)

“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become far pickier about what makes a true friend. It’s not that I’m being discriminatory by any means; it’s more of a subconscious thing I think we all do. When you’re a kid, your best friend could be the boy who sits next to you in the lunch line. Because your friendship pool is so small and you tend to share the same experiences, it’s faster friendship. Middle and high school are more exotic because you meet peers from other neighborhoods. That’s laughable to me now, but it was a big deal then.”

Nothing personal? (5/20)

“What bothers me, though, is when someone tries to say, ‘it's nothing personal’ as a consolation. If something makes my life harder, I will have a hard time brushing that off, no matter how little it matters to the person offering the expression. As Americans, we're accustomed to being a number. We're told not to get too disappointed if things don't work out the way we want, because we're just one person-slash-cog in the grand scheme of things.”

38 years ago this month... (5/28)

“I just found these photos of the 1973 Butte La Rose flood.”

Generation Hex (5/29)

“I’m all for overcoming adversity, but that’s rarely the point of generational comparisons. Usually, it’s just to deride kids for not appreciating their situation. Or for being slackers or having other bad traits that didn’t exist before the Beatles. But most of all, such points are wrong. Always.”

Diarrhea (5/30)

“This might seem weird to those of you who frequent this blog, but I’ve never kept a sustained journal or diary.”

Dillard's pickle (6/17)

“Finally, I went back to the women’s Dillard’s, convinced that was the correct store. A cute sales clerk approached me and asked if she could help me. ‘No thank you, I’m just looking for my car,’ I replied. ‘Well, look for it with this Prada fragrance sample,’ she said. ‘It makes a great Father’s Day gift. Keep it in mind, OK?’ Note to Dillard’s: she didn’t tackle me or shove a clipboard in my face. Clearly, Sears is winning the aggression competition.”

A bus ride down memory lane (6/29)

“My elementary-school bus driver had died on June 20 at the age of 86. It made me want to cry. Milton Jolivette Sr. wasn’t my first or last bus driver. But he drove me around more than anyone else did, except for my parents and grandparents. Maybe.”

Toy Boy and the Kay-Bee blanket (7/15)

“Not merely content to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, I made up my own fictitious, benevolent deity: the Toy Boy.”

All the reasons I don’t drink (7/30)

“Ever since moving to Baton Rouge, I’ve been asked approximately 95,134 times why I don’t drink alcohol. Pretty remarkable, given that I’ve had about only 250 conversations so far. But that’s to be expected.”

The weird thing is, this was just a normal photograph.

Things I thought I'd have (but don't) (8/4)

“Every young person imagines at some point what their home will look like when they’re adults. This mental picture is influenced by the dwellings you inhabit and visit, available technology and your own ridiculous fantasies. Now that I’ve lived in a few places (including two swingin’ bachelor pads), I can look back on the difference between youthful imagination and the future (which, as many an ’80s commercial assured us, is now).”

Why I don't take chances (8/5)

“‘How likely are they to call?’ I asked. ‘Someone would have to die,’ he replied. We laughed. His best friend died that night in an accident.”

Pump it forward (10/25)

“Anyway, I finally got the hubcap back on and one of the guys even pumped my last tire with his leftover pump time. I asked them if they wanted any change, because we’d spent about $16 at this point between us. ‘For what?’ he laughed. ‘Listen, man, you and I, we help each other out. If people did that more often, this world would be a better place.’ They then got in their truck and drove off.”

This conversation happened (11/3)

"’It appears that Ian set up a utilities account with us a month ago.’ ‘What? That's not right!’ ‘Yep. It appears we sent him a letter with his name and account number and everything.’ ‘Well, what shall we do?’ ‘Close it out, of course!’ ‘Shall we notify him?’ ‘He'll become aware of it in three months when we shut off his power in the middle of the afternoon.’"

Movie stardom

It's "Tom Brady: The Numerically Inaccurate Movie." Based on a true story!

Can't spell 'thespian' without 'ESPN' ... or 'Ian' (6/4)

“OK, that’s a stretch. But it’s not a stretch to say that I spent my Friday evening playing football for a scene in a movie. A movie with a director and actors and cameras and everything. Yes, I portrayed a football player. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be acting and that sounds exactly like my real life. Just roll with it.”

Aaaaand SCENE! (6/5)

“Battling an ominously overcast sky, our second shoot went much faster than Friday's, wrapping up in a mere hour and a half. Once again, I wore number 40 as the football gods intended. As you might expect, there was some attrition and turnover among teams from one day to the next. Technically, that made me a veteran. In that capacity, I hyped up my team by shouting, ‘THERE'S NO TOMORROW, GUYS! LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD!’ Just like I'd said yesterday.”

Secrets to happiness

Reasons to smile (4/18)

“That time you had to sit in a corner and do busywork because you chased a girl on the playground in 3rd grade doesn’t count against your credit rating.”

More reasons to smile (5/7)

“This summer will mark 20 years since Jeffrey Dahmer’s had any chance of touching your chocolate.”

And now, a moment of silence for the dearly departed in 2011:

My high school ID lanyard / key ring twirler (1997-2011)

Best of 2011 - Spotlight on society

2012-01-03T00:38:00.000-06:00

Book 2 of 3!

Despot deposit box

My Osama dilemma (5/2)

"Perhaps this can be a learning experience for me, and a teachable moment for society. What is the appropriate way to cope with the violent death of someone so deserving of our contempt? How can we as Americans uphold our basic values and civil principles in the aftermath of much-sought bloodshed? Osama’s death won’t bring any victims back, but can it bring back our moral compass? Or will we become as belligerent as we were after 9/11? Is there a middle ground?"

"KIIIIIM! KIIIIIM!" (12/22)

“This is staged, is what I’m saying. Not necessarily that the people are complicit in it, or that they aren’t truly upset that the man they’re conditioned to worshiping suddenly dropped dead, but they’re definitely hamming it up here. And considering what consequences no doubt loom if don’t show sufficient sadness, I can’t blame them for overcompensating.”

Guest madness

Stop shootin’ your mouths off! (By Earl “Clem” Bob) (1/11)

“I mean, honestly, why bring up politics and society at a tragic time like this? We should be mourning the victims and prayin’ and helplessly blubberin’ and whatnot. That’s the right way to honor the lives of the fallen. Everything else is just nitpickin’.”

Obama is the worst president in the history of ever (By Cort Rory) (6/22)

“Obama’s only been president for a little over two years, and already he’s failed to accomplish everything he said he’d do in his first term. How lame is that?”

A little one-on-one

My interview with God Almighty (2/16)

“While trudging through more than a foot of snow on Super Bowl Sunday, I noticed one set of footprints. But I don’t remember you carrying me. Were you too busy blessing Texas?” “Nope, I was messing with Texas that whole week. George W. Bush did NOTHING after I did that. What a pansy.”

Interview with a humorless liberal (3/30)

“There’s no point in being right if you’re boring everyone in the room. And if you write dissertations for a newspaper or blog crowd, then you’re doing worse than being boring; you’re actually turning off people. Today’s Republicans push the most wretched ideas, but they sell them so well. You know why? Because they make it seem more fun. They say, 'You can be with us and laugh and enjoy your freedom, or you can side with them and feel guilty and outraged all the time and take everything deadly seriously for the rest of your life.' That’s the problem with the Democratic Party especially; they have the political and moral high ground, but they won’t let themselves appeal to the people in quite the same way. Instead, they let right-wing pundits and entertainers trash them and everything they stand for.”

My interview with Ayn Rand (4/16)

“You died one day after John Belushi. Did that piss you off?” “Is John Belushi money?” “No.” “Then, no.”

Society

Gratuitous foodity (6/24)

“What I don’t think a tip should be is a guilt tax. Most servers insist it’s a customer’s duty to tip, because that’s what makes up most of their salary. Which is true, because most U.S. restaurants get away with paying obscenely low training wages. Therein lies the rub — that sucks.”

Parental advisory: Explicit cigarettes (7/6)

“Marlboro Miles now have to be jogged.”

Maybe we're the ones who are guilty (7/6)

“I don't buy that people want justice in cases like this — what they want is revenge. The bad guy to go down in flames. And when they don't get it, they wonder where the system went wrong. They wonder how this overblown TV show they're watching didn't deliver the satisfying ending they craved from the beginning. If justice were the issue, the decision wouldn't evoke such anger and self-righteousness one way or the other.”

Is it bad to think this on Sunday? (8/28)

“Few religions have much empirical basis, and some have facets that can be dismissed right off the bat. But no one will ever discover that the key to a harmonious society is to lie, cheat, steal and kill.”

Going off script (10/18)

“Think about it: you spend the first several of your most formative years learning exactly what letters are and how to write them. You even have to buy special tablets with dotted lines to make sure you get those capital A’s exactly right so children in China don’t starve or something. And while I had relatively little trouble learning my letters in school — my bigger issue was writing sufficienly large letters to look right in those massive rules — I still looked at my brother’s cursive workbook and went, ‘Wha?’”

Wear out a welcome this Halloween! (10/27)

“The genuises at National Review Online have come up with Halloween costume ideas to annoy liberals. In the spirit of fair balancedness, here are some costume ideas for liberals to fright back (get it?!!)”

A Culture War field guide to Halloween (10/31)

“Tim Tebow Halloween: Everybody in the neighborhood can’t stop talking about you, but it takes you forever to get around because the Tebowing pose isn’t conducive to canvassing streets. By the time you arrive, you’re over. Which is just fine with you, because you probably think Halloween is the devil or something.”

A bad sign for protesting? (11/14)

“As mad as people are at Wall Street today, the fact is that it is a massive, corporate institution employing millions of people with a variety of viewpoints. It’s like screaming at some kid working in a Wal-Mart in Arizona and expecting Wal-Mart to change its predatory retail ways. Productive protesting is about direct confrontation with the power, not declaring political war on an idea. That doesn’t work any more than it does on an actual battlefield.”

The invisible hand of your heart (12/6)

“Sex, to me, is like food — fun, but kind of boring to talk about. Also, I’m extremely picky in my tastes and think sharing my experiences with both gets you closer to me than you want to be. Also, I’m a gentleman. I don’t eat/kiss and tell.”

Pop culture

Questions I have about Back to the Future (3/29)

“Why wouldn’t it occur to old Marty or Jennifer that, hey, isn’t today the day we visited ourselves 30 years ago? And why wouldn’t 2015 Doc be hanging out with 2015 Marty? It’s not like the destiny question comes into play at that point...”

Kick-Ass: Not a hit with me (5/15)

“Few things in movies alienate me faster than some scene that everyone enjoys but I immediately think, ‘I hate this person. I know I’m not supposed to, but I do.’”

Man bites: The fetish cheese that is Twilight (6/11)

“Every close-up of Edward lasts 37 minutes. Jacob never wears a shirt, because why would he? Bella’s angsty angst shines through even when she isn’t in the same country as the scene unreeling. In the name of love, lust and emotional conflict, amen.”

'Footloose' is rare non-sucky remake (10/22)

“The new Footloose is as a good a remake as I've ever seen. Frankly, I was expecting either an identical movie with cruddier music, or a ‘High School Musical’-type campfest. This flick is neither.”

Murrikan Futbol

Preseason football is... (8/12)

“About the only time you ever see obscure football numbers like 48 on the field.”

New rules for the NFL in 2011 (8/27)

“A 15-yard penalty will be assessed for excessive dreadlocks.”

What Penn State says about our state (11/12)

"Paterno is the lightning rod because people know who he is. And because he has farther to fall. A friend of mine described his firing as ‘a drop in the bucket,’ and I agree. At worst, there was a concerted effort to suppress these incidents. If that’s true, it doesn’t start or end with one person."

Bowled over in New Orleans (12/19)

“At one point we stopped by a party tent, where a mutual friend gave me one of her extra tickets. So now I had two seats to the game. I hadn’t had this much luck since the time my sister’s high school chorus performed in Branson, and I got a free ticket from a parent. But in both cases, I’d already bought a ticket, so I don’t how how lucky you could consider this. I could just stop buying tickets altogether, but life never works out that way.”

A bizarre spin on the passing record (12/28)

“Nutrition has improved since the 1930s, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s come close to being as tall as 8-foot, 11-inch Robert Wadlow. And if someone ever does, it’s still worth noting because it doesn’t happen very often.”

Memes

Sometimes there’s nothing more fun than burning out Twitter and Facebook memes. Here are some I turned into blogs this year:

Less-ambitious movies (1/5)Awful supergroups (2/20)Aged bands (3/24)Fake Osama bin Laden quotes (5/3) Less-interesting books (5/26)More awful supergroups (8/24)Better Superdome sponsor names (9/24)

Bonus from 12/28: #describeyoursexlifewithavideogametitle

Pitfall

Circus Atari

Super Breakout (not really, but funny)

Duck Hunt

Wii Fit Plus

World Class Track Meet

Burger Time

Plaque Attack

Canyon Bomber

Best of 2011 - The political posts

2012-01-03T00:11:00.000-06:00

Book 1 of 3!

An open note in the wake of tragedy (1/8)

“If you expect me to believe that a Democratic congresswoman, in Arizona, whose district was ‘targeted’ on SarahPAC's website, would be shot in the head at a campaign event, in an age when the right-wing movement makes a point of bringing guns to town-hall meetings and openly talks of Democrats as if they are the Marxist enemies of America, and that it was just some random act of violence with no chance of political undertones, well, sorry. I can't do that.”

Dear Republican Party... (3/11)

“I think today’s Republican Party is a morally bankrupt, astonishingly childish shell of its former glory. And even though I’m no conservative, it worries me that what should be a valuable counterweight to the Democratic Party is instead occupying itself with obstruction and bigotry and flirting with its most extreme, anarchic elements. And if it takes a beating in 2012 for you to see that, so be it. But I’d rather you realize it now so that the American people can have some real choices next year.”

What Bugs Bunny can teach Barack Obama (4/4)

“Obama going Bugs Bunny on the GOP is something I can sadly see happening. But if Obama's going to cave to the right, at least he can make the right say, ‘Stop going to war! Replace this health care reform with something better! End big-government intrusion on ordinary Americans!’”

Why Obama will win in 2012 (4/7)

“Every incumbent president faces the question of re-election, and it almost always looks dire early on. Just ask Bill Clinton in 1995, after the Republican takeover compelled Newt Gingrich to call him ‘irrelevant.’ Or Ronald Reagan in 1982, during the recession and double-digit unemployment. Both served two terms, but neither would have been elected every year they held office.”

Another inspired, confidential rant (4/10)

“I think the saddest thing about this whole screed is that, if I removed a few particulars, several other people would assume I was talking about them instead of you. Because your hateful attitude doesn’t start or stop with you. In fact, it can be found in some of our nation’s highest-ranking leaders, and thus winds up codified in our laws. And that hurts a lot of people for audaciously arrogant reasons. And I don’t mean the way you tried to hurt me. I’m talking hunger pangs. Life-altering decisions made out of greed. Immorally leaving people in need so you can feel smug about winning in the Game of Money. You act like you have it all, but there’s a gaping hole where your compassion and tact should be. And there’s nothing more pathetic than a sore winner.”

Law Less (4/22)

“Even if you're certain that, any minute now, fundamentalist Muslim forces are ready to swoop into the United States, uproot our government, force every woman to wear a burqa and force every man to vote for Democrats, do you really think some symbolic legislation in Missouri is going to stop it?”

Attention birthers! (4/27)

“I'm asking you birthers to be honest with yourselves. Rejection of the long form proves that you are less interested in the truth than in bringing down Obama. I have a feeling that if God itself came down from the sky with a projector and played footage of Obama's actual birth (complete with establishing shot of the hospital) and a firsthand account from Obama's mom, your first question would be, ‘Why did God wait until now?’ Followed by, ‘What is God hiding?’"

So much for my presidential bid (4/30)

“The point of this exercise is to show that everything that naysayers question about Obama’s certificate can also be questioned about mine. In fact, mine might be worse. To say nothing of yours.”

It takes balls to have journalistic ethics (5/10)

“Yeah, it’s a terrible affront to pretty much everything there is to present such a drastically altered photo as accurate journalism. If I could be the paper’s managing editor for a day, I’d tell the newsroom to adjust its philosophy and apply the same standards of integrity to world-changing events that we did to dog balls.”

Free dumb of speech (5/12)

“Chanting, ‘U-S-A! U-S-A!’ while shouting down and chasing away a fellow American is not a win for American values, it’s a loss. Yeah, congratulations on using fear and hostility to suppress a fellow citizen’s rights. Way to go in venting your outrage toward some ineffective activist instead of toward our real problems. Kudos for taking a stand for American symbolism while trampling all over what that symbolism stands for.”

A disastrous steadfastness (5/17)

“You heard back then, as you do now, that those people would not only rebuild, but would do so without government help. I won’t judge someone if they are able to do exactly that. But does anyone, really? Are there really people who, when confronted with a government agency leaving a pallet of cold drinks in their front yard, run up, smash every bottle and proclaim, ‘Don’t tread on me’?”

Putting welfare whizzing to the test (5/18)

“If we do enact drug testing, we should at least be consistent in our reasoning. The main refrain for drug testing welfare recipients — the polite one, anyway — is that we don’t want our tax money funding drug habits. OK. Fair enough. But don’t college students and corporate yuppies also do drugs from time to time? Why no clarion call for their testing, especially since they have quite the government gravy train going themselves?”

A surgical approach to desperation (6/6)

“Desperation makes people do things that they would never do with a clearer mind. A lot of us think we’re better, when in reality many of us are simply too insulated to ever have to weigh the issue. But the thing about human nature is, it doesn’t discriminate over what class of human you are. All it cares about is survival. A decade ago, I came up with what I call the surgery analogy: the idea that nothing is too repulsive when the alternative is worse.”

Weiner dogged (6/9)

“With the advent of constant social networking, we’re increasingly scrutinous of people, whether as potential friends, employees, employers or politicians. At the same time, we’re increasingly judgmental of people’s actions. And I worry that the potentially greatest president of a future age is going to be sunk by a Facebook picture someone took of them while drunk.”

I can’t stress this enough (6/21)

“Why spend time and money running for office if you don't believe in the office? And why the hell would anyone vote for someone who thought so? We don't do this in any other arena. I would hope my cross-country bus driver held some regard for traffic laws. And that my riverboat pilot didn't punch a hole in his boat to defy everyone who told him that was a bad idea. I certainly would want a schoolteacher to see the school system as something worth saving. Or a judge to have faith in the legal system.”

You have nothing, Whitney? I’m jealous (6/23)

“The U.S. right now is like a starving child in school who's making failing grades. The problem is that the child needs food, but all anyone wants to do is paddle him until he makes an A. It's almost paradoxical, but we have to get better before we can think about how we can get better. And the way to do that is to ensure basic needs are met. That's our primary obstacle. And one so often drowned out in the all-pocketbook debate.”

Party all the term (8/9)

“I’m sure lots of people wished Obama wouldn’t smile or even sleep until he frees the world from all our problems, but that’s not productive, nor is it realistic. It’s not as if Obama had ‘rescue the Dow Jones industrial average’ blocked off on his planner for Sunday night, but Chris Rock showed up, so that went to hell.”

Speech cobbler (8/13)

“One of the beautiful things about e-mail forwards, apart from how thoroughly social networking has eviscerated their existence, is how reliably you can judge them by their covers.”

Double downer (8/18)

“What if Ford, stinging from the failure of its infamous Edsel, had tried to rectify it by building more Edsels with even more of everything people hated about the car? What if the Coca-Cola Company, following the debacle of New Coke, came out with Newer Coke? Can you imagine if, in 1976, the Republicans had decided to run another Richard Nixon? And the new Richard Nixon was even more Nixonian than Nixon himself? For me, all of these scenarios come to mind when thinking about Rick Perry as the front-runner for the Republican nomination.”

For “real” (8/27)

“I don’t want ‘real’ people in office. There, I said it. What is so great about being ‘real’? It’s a meaningless designation. After all, people who marvel at Sarah Palin’s realness can’t argue that Barack Obama is a robot made in Indonesia (maybe that’s a bad example). Literally, everyone in public office is a real person.”

Chiding the storm out (8/28)

“So Glenn Beck said Hurricane Irene is a blessing. Stop. Just stop. I’m tired of hearing from religious bigots how natural disasters are wonderful developments. Or a referendum on our behavior. Or a justification for all the paranoia a certain nutcase pundit has foisted upon his audience.”

The Ron Paul Lovelution (8/29)

“A lot of people say that Ron Paul takes a lot of inexcusable stands, sure, but his stance on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars cannot be overlooked. That's like having a boyfriend who beats the crap out of you, but recycles.”

A terrible blog (9/7)

“I’ve learned how to deal with attempted choir-preaching if I’m not in the mood for a debate. It takes only one phrase. Not only does the phrase help you stand your ground, but chances are the other person will interpret it as an affirmation as well. Win-win!”

Obligatory anniversary post (9/11)

“A remembrance of that tragic day seems to imply that we haven’t been thinking about it or otherwise feel its effects every second since it happened. But we have. Should it make a difference that today is the 10th anniversary? Maybe. But I imagine it’s like reliving a molestation, a devastating fire or particularly traumatizing combat. It’s a horrible event to which a statistic adds very little. And it’s certainly not something I would want to watch on TV in real time again.”

What’s saddest about this picture? (9/17)

“It's every Republican platform plank come to life! This is what it looks like, folks. Feast your eyes. Ain't that America?”

Decepticonstitutionalibertarianism (9/18)

“Is there anyone living in America, let alone those in or aspiring to office, who thinks the Constitution should be revoked? Maybe a few underground terrorists think so, but I can’t imagine that’s a key demographic. So it seems stupid to mount a defense of the Constitution. How much armor would you have to wear to that fight?”

Herman Cain and the race card card (10/9)

“If you strip away Cain’s race, there isn’t a whole lot to recommend him as a presidential front-runner. And yet, many of the same people who grumbled that Obama was only the junior senator of Illinois are excited about a man who has considerably less political experience. Because he is a black man in a party that knows it has a seriously negative race perception.”

Eating their own Kool-Aid (10/9)

“Comb Democratic Underground or talk to most progressives these days, and the refrain generally is, ‘Obama has disappointed me for not living up to expectations.’ The expectation, of course, being that Obama pledged to lead like Dennis Kucinich in a vacuum. Conservatives, as it turns out, aren’t the only ones who project.”

Ah, Missouri, where my vote sometimes mattered (10/23)

“Everybody here jokes about Louisiana's model of political bizarreness, but it took me several years of voting in Missouri to truly grasp the magnitude of it.”

Alien nation occupation (12/11)

“Apparently you can’t be both a football fan AND someone who cares about the planet. I hate false dichotomies like this; not only are they untrue, they usually serve to make the speaker less relatable. I’m all about effecting positive change, but I don’t think that means spending every waking moment immersed forehead-deep in sustainability solutions. If that’s your bag, more power to you. But don’t rag people for having interests outside of that.”

Twenty twelve talk

2011-12-31T01:00:00.000-06:00

This is my 280th blog of 2011. There seems to be an inverse correlation between how well my years go and how often I blog here, and this is the second-busiest blog year I've yet had, so I'll let you deduce that one.

Well, maybe that's not fair. It's probably more correct to say this has been a weird year. I can accurately describe it as one continuous road trip, albeit one where I got tired of driving and hoped the next turn would finally be the one with the gas pump and toilet already.

At the same time, I haven't been out of Louisiana since the moment I stepped back in it on Feb. 13. This 10-month-and-counting stretch is the longest I've spent in one state in almost six years. I once went eight years between trips to New Orleans, and that's when I lived in Lafayette. I've come a long way. Literally. I hope it isn't turning into a round trip back into that.

To put it in football terms, my friend-turnover ratio was like -123 this year. Some of that was from moving away from Missouri, but not all of it. At least I got to hang with various family members for the first time in many years. Not to mention, have Christmas with my family for the first time since 2006. That was pretty cool.

I'm very ready for 2012. Something about a new year always gives me the motivation to do things I've been putting off, like updating the "Behind the Blog" profile and starting the Facebook fan page for this site I've been leaving in limbo for while. Among many, many other things.

I have many New Year's resolutions. I know what they are, and that's what matters.

Hey, 2012 is an election year, isn't it? Somebody ought to tell the Republicans. Oh. Sorry, four years of rust is tough to shake off. Re-elect change!

I'm going to be 32 in 2012. And you'll still be 21. That's what I like about college girls.

The Saints would make my year early with an appearance in Super Bowl XLVI. I wonder if, when they win, the state will issue revised decals for the Saints license plates? If they do, what happens if they wind up with a dynasty? Seems like a nice problem to have.

Oh, apparently I owe the state of Missouri property tax today. Oops! Missed that form in the mail. If I vanish in the middle of the night, you know where to find me.

Happy New Year, everybody.

A bizarre spin on the passing record

2011-12-28T22:12:00.000-06:00

I really hope the New Orleans Saints win the Super Bowl again this year. Mainly because they’re my boys, but also because I can’t wait to see how creative haters will get in minimizing the feat:

“Yeah, the Saints won the Lombardi Trophy, but they lost to the Rams! Remember that?”

“Big deal. What about all those loserly years when they didn’t win it?”

“The Miami Dolphins did it in fewer games back in ’72.”

“Everyone knows the Packers are better, even though the Saints beat them to get to the Super Bowl.”

“Only a dirty offense would employ a basketball player like Jimmy Graham.”

“Only a dirty offense would employ a short stack like Darren Sproles.”

“Only a dirty defense would give up so many yards yet so few points.”

“I heard Will Smith took a piss right there in the urinal! Poor sport.”

“Whatever. They never would have beaten the 1985 Bears. It was a different game back then.”

“The Saints get all their wins in stadiums. But how would they fare in a quarry?”

“Only a nefarious coach like Sean Payton would run up the score in the fourth quarter when the Saints were already four points ahead.”

“Drew Brees threw for only 427 yards in the game. Dan Marino threw 5,084 in 1984!”

As the sports universe witnessed on Monday Night Football this week, Brees topped Marino’s longstanding pass-yardage record with a snappy 9-yard strike to Sproles for a touchdown. On the surface, it couldn’t have happened on a more perfect play — on Brees’ final pass of the game, a touchdown, in front of a national audience, in a rout of the Saints’ archrival, the equally playoff-bound Atlanta Falcons. Seeing the NFL’s ultimate team player and go-to good guy get the New Orleans crowd roaring and celebrate with his teammates is why I watch football. It’s why I watch anything. Hell, even Marino couldn’t help but tweet his congrats.

It wasn’t until well after the game that I realized I was seeing not the exuberance of a team and a city over an astounding accomplishment, but a rubbing-in and piling-on by one of the league’s dirtiest and most arrogant teams. I had a lot of articles to link for this piece, but my browser crashed under the weight of all of them. Most of them boiled down to this: “The Saints were winning by a huge margin! It was mean of them to pass like that. Brees had a whole other game to get that last 30. I’m an anonymous Falcon and WAAAAAH!”

Well, Payton doesn’t regret it and I’m glad. Let me count the ways why:

1) The timing was perfect. Like I said already, Monday Night Football, aka D. Brees’ Playhouse. He had time and momentum on his own turf against the Saints’ most-hated rival. Why not?

2) The Falcons had every opportunity to stop them. That’s kind of the point of football. You can’t really fault a team for continuing to play offense when there’s still several minutes left on the clock and the defense can’t stop them. Running up the score is one thing; running up the score with a subdued offense because the defense is paper is another entirely. See the Colts game for an even more acute example of this. (In this case, there’s also Mike Smith’s decision not to punt on fourth down, thus giving the Saints the short field to begin with.)

3) There’s no mercy rule in pro football. There’s exactly one time in the game when teams pull back, and it’s the victory formation. And even then, the offense puts someone in the backfield in case something goes wrong. The record-breaking series wasn’t even a case of that. That said,

4) The Saints are usually the most conservative closers in the game. Ahead 42-17 in the 2006 game against the Cowboys, Brees actually knelt out his final series near the red zone, giving the ball to the Cowboys with time to spare. The Saints could have scored easily, but didn’t. They often do this at the end of assured wins, which annoys me as a fan but probably is the classy thing to do. So I didn’t really see their chase of the record (which I consider something to play for) as a terrible stain on their character.

5) Brees threw for 307 yards. If that isn’t playing it close to the vest, I don’t know what is.

6) Brees came up short last time. In 2008, Drew fell 15 yards shy of the mark, with one incomplete pass ultimately making the difference. That game was against the Carolina Panthers in the Superdome. Which, as you might know, is exactly what he faces this week. Not the 12-4 powerhouse of that year, but still...why take the risk? It’s stupid not to embrace the opportunity when it rears its head. As Steve Winwood sang, while you see a chance, take it.

Which I own. On RECORD. Did your head just go boom?

7) The fact that it’s a different, more pass-happy era is irrelevant. Nutrition has improved since the 1930s, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s come close to being as tall as 8-foot, 11-inch Robert Wadlow. And if someone ever does, it’s still worth noting because it doesn’t happen very often.

8) Some Falcons have vowed not to forget. Apparently they already forgot how badly they lost, which seems to be the more immediate issue if the two teams are to meet again in the playoffs.

But that’s all in the history books now. Cue Patriots fans claiming the record will be short-lived because of Tom Brady. Now there’s a team that likes to run up the score...

My (re-gifted) present to you

2011-12-25T12:25:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope you have much better things today than to read this blog. But if you don't, you'll (probably) enjoy my recollections of Christmases past. I wrote these last year and have updated many chapters this year with all-new old photos and all-new corrected facts! This continues to be a work in progress, by which I mean I still haven't found all the pictures I want. So you'll probably want to check back next year too. But you should want to anyway. Now do go something festive!

1980 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991

An X-rated Christmas lesson

2011-12-24T12:28:00.001-06:00

"Xmas" is not an attempt to eradicate Christ from Christmas. It comes from the ancient Greeks, for whom X (chi) was the first letter in Christ's name. They often affixed giant Xs to their catacombs for that reason and also because the letter resembled the cross. That's why we have Xmas.

Happy C-mas! War is over.

Wishing you the best Christmas Adam

2011-12-23T08:30:00.004-06:00

My brother Colin just texted to wish me a happy Christmas Adam. I hope you're all giving this day the reverence it deserves. On this morning around 1987, my brother Colin woke me up and said excitedly, "Ian, today is Christmas Eve Eve!" And I replied sleepily, "So, it's Christmas Adam?" That's what we've called Dec. 23 ever since.

That would make Dec. 22 Christmas Adam Eve, Dec. 21 Christmas Adam Adam, and so on. If you take this to its logical extension, every day of the year can be Christmas. Even Dec. 26 is Christmas Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam Adam.

Or we could make two Adams equal a Jesus to simplify things. That would make Dec. 26 Christmas Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.

How about just say Christmas God and be done with it? Jesus!

Another question is, I don't know whether to wish you Happy or Merry Christmas Adam. I should take a poll. What do you think?

In the meantime, Happy Preseason Holidays!

"KIIIIIM! KIIIIIM!"

2011-12-22T00:36:00.000-06:00

If ever a moment epitomized North Korea, this is it. Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il has passed onto the great video store in the sky, and the people of the DPRK cannot contain their grief. And boy, is it ever grief...

I can’t be sure, but I suspect that the masses are sort of upset here. I mean, that’s the vibe that I get. I could be wrong. But how else do you explain the everlasting, exhausting chorus of crying? The uncontrolled, yet oddly orderly, paroxysms and hysterics? Sure, mass remembrances tend to be quieter than this in America, but that’s only because we don’t understand the concept of a DEAR LEADER.

Experts on body language will tell you that a woman who is shouting, “OH YES OH YES OHMYGOOOOOOOOOOOD I AM SO NOT FAKING THIS RIGHT NOW,” is faking it. On the other hand, if she’s making a very unattractive face and is grunting, chances are she’s too into the moment to care how she looks.

If you asked me in sixth grade to act like my favorite grandparent had suddenly dropped dead, and threatened to kick me out of school if I didn’t act with enough passion, this is exactly how I would have acted. It’s precisely the performance you get from a sheltered person who’s pressured to exhibit an emotion that they’ve probably never fully understood.

This is staged, is what I’m saying. Not necessarily that the people are complicit in it, or that they aren’t truly upset that the man they’re conditioned to worshiping suddenly dropped dead, but they’re definitely hamming it up here. And considering what consequences no doubt loom if don’t show sufficient sadness, I can’t blame them for overcompensating.

Crying is like fire — it’s often portrayed as much louder of a force than it actually is. Even big fires tend to make a quiet licking sound, and silent weeping is more common than sustained wailing. And that’s true no matter how insular the culture.

In any case, the death of Kim invites the possibility, however minuscule, that North Korea could one day no longer be the world’s clown-prince pariah.

Cue tears of joy.

The one-handed clap of patriotism

2011-12-20T01:11:00.000-06:00

It’s Shockey, y’all! Have you forgotten? Well, here he is putting a boot in your ass, courtesy of the Red, White, Blue, Silver and Black:

Panthers tight end Jeremy Shockey is a patriot. Disrespect this country, he will notice -- and take exception.

Case in point: During the performance of the "Star-Spangled Banner" before his team's 28-13 victory over the Texans on Sunday at Reliant Stadium.

"Personally, myself, I was really upset they weren't showing respect to America during the National Anthem," Shockey told reporters, according to KILT-AM. "There were about 10 players who didn't put their arms across their chest.”

Yes, Jeremy Shockey is a patriot. So what? Saying someone is a patriot is just as nonsensical as saying they like food or families or not being dead. It’s meaningless. Everyone is a patriot in the sense that they hold allegiance toward something they feel is right, whether it’s their country or simply themselves.

But I get what the article is trying to say. Maybe we need a more accurate term to describe the kind of love for country that can be measured in flags and sufficient symbolic gestures. Actually, I think there is a word for that — jingoism.

Like most Americans, I learned all the rote gestures you’re supposed to do to prove you love your country. I did them at every opportunity, lest people think I sympathized with Saddam Hussein or something. It became every bit the OCD tic that prayer was, and after a while I realized that God probably wouldn’t spank me if I didn’t feel like doing what Uncle Simon says. And that’s the beauty of this country: our patriotism lies in exercising our freedom, not in our reverence of symbols. And that’s why our symbols mean so much in the first place. So I don’t fault Shockey for feeling perturbed, even if I don’t share his particular brand of patriotism.

But he is going a bit overboard by saying that not covering your heart is disrespecting America. As far as being unpatriotic goes, it isn’t exactly burning the flag. Then again, flag burning is protected freedom of speech, so maybe that’s a bad example. Maybe the U.S. would be a better nation if we all made like Shockey and policed others for sufficient patriotism. It works for those bastions of liberty over in China and North Korea.

You don’t have to put your hands in someone else’s idea of the right place to be a good American. And plenty of Americans who cover their hearts demonstrate through their actions that they have no hearts; indeed, they’re often the same people who make the biggest deal out of the act.

Anyway, Jeremy, you’re talking about the Texans here. It’s like a whole other country.

Bowled over in New Orleans

2011-12-19T01:41:00.000-06:00

As far as football weekends go, seeing my two favorite teams cap historic seasons with huge wins made for one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had in a long time.

And that’s an understatement.

The worst thing about living in Missouri is that New Orleans isn’t there. So when I moved back to Louisiana earlier this year, I vowed to visit the Big Easy as often as I could. This weekend, I made two days of it by attending the New Orleans Bowl with good friends, and then watching the Saints-Vikings game with those friends on Sunday.

The University of Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns earned their first bowl bid in 41 years, squaring off against the San Diego State Aztecs on Saturday in the Superdome. Having worked closely with the UL track team and athetic department for seven years (during some of the football team’s most dismal seasons), I knew I couldn’t be anywhere else this weekend. I made sure to dress for the part.

It helped that it was cold, but it probably wouldn't have mattered either way.

Game notes:

• According to my Facebook feed, traffic from Lafayette to New Orleans was bumper-to-bumper all through Friday and Saturday. Not wanting to risk being late for my friends’ planned 3:15 departure time from their place on Esplanade, I left Baton Rouge at noon. Turns out traffic was completely clear the entire way, and I cruised to New Orleans with more than an hour to spare. I spent that hour walking along Canal Street after blowing $4 because I forgot that those pay parking lots don’t issue change.

You have to go pretty far down before you realize it doesn't issue change — like when you're reaching down for your ticket.

• Though seemingly the entire population of Lafayette was concentrated on a handful of streets in the French Quarter, and that my main problem in Lafayette is knowing 90 percent of the people I run into, I didn’t run into anybody I knew there.

• The tour bus for Kyle Turley’s band made a cameo on Canal Street. It was the second-closest I’ve ever been to Turley, the first being the time I attended one of his shows and bought his CD directly from him.

If this was a parade, that bus would be throwing helmets.

• After meeting up with my two friends (former Ragin’ Cajuns and high school classmates who are now married) at their place, we made our way through the French Quarter en route to the Superdome. At one point we stopped by a party tent, where a mutual friend gave me one of her extra tickets. So now I had two seats to the game. I hadn’t had this much luck since the time my sister’s high school chorus performed in Branson, and I got a free ticket from a parent. But in both cases, I’d already bought a ticket, so I don’t how how lucky you could consider this. I could just stop buying tickets altogether, but life never works out that way.

• The friends I was with had received tickets for a free pre-game party in the Superdome’s Iberville Club Room. It had an unlimited buffet and free drinks. The caterers offered red beans and rice, sausage gumbo and other culturally relevant dishes that my palate is not mature enough to like. Even the vegetables were a smorgasbord of every plant I can’t stand. I went all the way down the table with only baby carrots and dry tortilla chips on my plate, blasting my rotten luck. Just then, at the very end of the table, a plate of chicken tenders materialized out of nowhere. It seemed so bizarre, out of place and exactly attuned to what I wanted to eat at the moment. Can something can be photoshopped into reality? Whatever the case, I ate about 140 of those tenders. Mmmm.

• I went with the better vantage point of my two tickets, which of course was the one that cost me $47. Here’s what I saw for my money:

During kicks, nothing but net.

• I didn’t get to sit with my friends for the game. Instead, I sat next to two empty seats. That’s another thing that always seems to happen. Is it my breath? Still, the seat gave me a chance to really concentrate on the game, no matter how much that annoyed the constantly-texting, apathetic college girl in front of me. Fortunately, plenty of other people were around to high-five during the Cajuns’ many five-worthy moments. And there were waves. Plenty of waves.

• Above us sat several flatscreen TV monitors. The game feed hopped from the Superdome’s closed circuit to ESPN’s live broadcast at random intervals, leading me to think that signal continuity was a problem. I noticed early on that it was really bad luck for me to watch any game action on the screens; when I focused on the field, plays turned out better for UL.

• The officiating sucked. But it did help us in the very end.

• Brett Baer’s last-second field goal kick after San Diego State’s late rally didn’t suck. In fact, it was awesome and quite the redemption for the two extra points he missed.

• After the game ended, I eventually reconnected with my friends after stupidly jogging the entire perimeter of the Superdome looking for the gate that was actually right next to mine. At least I got to run into (sometimes literally) several people I knew along the way.

• My friends and I went to the Boondock Saint to meet other pals. We caught ESPN’s rebroadcast of the game, where I was pretty sure I saw myself in the cheering throng after the game-winning kick. Once I got home, I recorded the footage onto my laptop and, after further review, determined that the overhang in fact had obscured my row.

• At the Boondock Saint, we struck up a conversation with a man who said he lived in Houston and had traveled to watch his son play for UL. He said he had been unable to buy a program and offered to pay any price to buy mine. I gave it to him.

• We stayed out at the bar until nearly 5 a.m. I had fallen asleep on a bench. It was at that point that my friend insisted I wasn’t driving back to Baton Rouge tonight. I didn’t argue. I did, however, drive us to their place, because tired > drinking until 5 a.m. any day.

• We slept in until about 11:30 a.m., at which point we headed back to the Boondock Saint to watch the New Orleans Saints destroy the Minnesota Vikings. In addition to the expected Saints cheering, news of the Packers’ loss to the Chiefs and the Colts’ win over the Titans drew considerable fanfare as well.

• I love driving through New Orleans and Lake Ponchartrain on a clear Sunday afternoon, listening to WWL after a decisive Saints victory. Friends, football and the open road — I couldn’t ask for more. Except maybe for more of all of those things.

The UL name game

2011-12-17T08:10:00.001-06:00

It may come as a shock to many of you, but I have an overactive imagination. That imagination fueled my childhood aspirations of being the best pro athlete in America. Now that I’m old, I no longer harbor such fantasies — these days, I picture myself merely as a reliable stalwart of the Saints secondary. Hey, you have to be realistic, right?

One of the perks of being a pro football player is being able to say your own name and alma mater on prime-time television. I’ve practiced it in case that day ever comes. “Ian McGibboney. Free safety. University of Louisiana.”

It’s probably for the best that I don’t get to say that. As it is, people in Baton Rouge tend to want to jump you for having the audacity not to say, or emphasize, Lafayette in the name. It’s a very weird battle that I have a hard time imagining happening anywhere but south Louisiana.

Here’s a little history: In 1984, what was then the University of Southwestern Louisiana (USL) changed its name to the University of Louisiana. It appeared on bumper stickers and on the diplomas that year. However, the state forced the school to return to its previous designation. It did, and everyone went back to dancing to “My Toot Toot.”

Fast forward to 1999: As USL entered its centennial, it successfully petitioned to change its name to the University of Louisiana once again. With one caveat: it could only change its name if another state school also changed its name. To the same name. So Northeast Louisiana University became the University of Louisiana at Monroe, and USL became the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. This ensured that the two schools, despite having no connection to each other and barely even a friendly rivalry, would be associated with each other from that day forward.

Why did this happen? Because the University of Louisiana system shares members with the Louisiana State University system. And LSU is the flagship university of Louisiana. To make a very long and complex story short, the LSU board saw the name change as a threat to its dominance. And because it is in fact dominant, it was able to undermine USL’s goal of strengthening its reputation (which apparently is a zero-sum commodity in Louisiana).

(Side note: I lived in Springfield, Missouri, for four years. The city is home to Missouri State University, which had recently changed its name from Southwest Missouri State. I don’t know if the University of Missouri objected to the idea, but it’s hardly put a dent in Mizzou’s popularity. But it has helped Missouri State a lot.)

When the University of Louisiana-Lafayette took its new name, people weren’t sure what to call it. The university actually had to issue a list of acceptable acronyms (which ESPN has ignored ever since); ULL, which at the time was the most popular in the community, was not among them. Some high-ranking people told me they wanted to shake people of the habit of saying ULL because it was too close to USL and still highlighted the regional connotation they were trying to ditch. So the push began to rechristen the school UL, or UL Lafayette. The city name was downplayed on athletic logos, on campus and on official documents. Today, practically everybody in Lafayette refers to the school as UL. Athletic teams are often introduced as “Louisiana’s Ragin’ Cajuns.” Oh, and LSU still has every ounce of its prestige and flagshippery, and has one of the best college football teams any human has ever witnessed. Everybody wins!

Living in Baton Rouge, I often see a condescending attitude toward UL, especially regarding its name. People seem horrified that anyone would call it UL. “You mean, ULL?” Twelve years after the fact, it’s hard to imagine people do that because they’re ignorant of the name. They’ll tell you that the school’s official name is the University of Louisiana-Lafayette, so you have to always include the Lafayette. Which is why people in Lafayette now sometimes refer to the state’s flagship university as LSUBR or LSU A&M. But usually as a joke. Because really, do you have to?

Fair enough.

(Side note: ULM is correct for the Monroe school; they use it in references and in their athletic logos. Further proving my point.)

As I did in my seven years there and still do today, I will call my alma mater the University of Louisiana and UL. I don't do it to spite LSU, and no one else does either. Just as the LSU community takes pride in its school (which does not go by its full name either), so do the Ragin’ Cajuns. All schools deserve to grow and flourish, and Louisiana should be proud of all of them. I know I am.

And with that, I’m off to the New Orleans Bowl, because WE’RE IN A BOWL GAME!! Geaux Cajuns!

Hitch fit

2011-12-16T20:41:00.004-06:00

I will miss Christopher Hitchens. But amid all of the fawning tributes I’ve seen in the hours since he died, I’ll offer one more fitting of the kind of guy he was.

Which is to say, a douche.

Seriously, the guy was a monster prick. Ever seen him on TV? His personality was so abrasive that I always wanted to speak in tongues after watching him. As much as I despise know-it-all religious fanatics who judge all others and want to run the country like the world will end tomorrow, the opposite extreme is also grating — someone so arrogantly self-assured in their fatalism that you don’t want them to be right either.

The thing is, I agreed with a lot of Hitchens’ points. And where we diverged, I at least respected and/or considered his view. But it was always hard for me to get over the “Look at me, I’m a contrarian” pose. I’ve known plenty of people in my life whose attitudes boiled down to, “I’m better than you. You wouldn’t understand.” Hell, I’ve been that guy at times. But seeing Hitchens (and other politically minded pundits) act that way helped me get over myself and realize that reaching out to others is way better than trying to go undefeated.

Absolute moral certainty and superiority is off-putting no matter who does it. Hitchens had it, and he loved it. And I loved to hate him for it. And I think he’d love that I said that about him.

I’d tell you to rest in peace, Chris, but I know how you felt about that.

It's written in the stars

2011-12-16T00:43:00.000-06:00

Aries (3/21-4/19) — You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger. At which point they will cease to be a stranger — and, for some reason, cease being tall and dark as well.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You share a star sign with Ian McGibboney. What else needs to be said?

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — I used to think as a kid that all Geminis were twins. Can you imagine if twins were born two minutes apart on June 21 and 22, One a Gemini and the other a Cancer? Would the world explode from the paradox?

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’re a true disciple of the stars — especially that giant yellow one. No wonder you have cancer.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — Leo may be a lion, a lion may be the king of the jungle and Leo DiCaprio may be king of the world, but Leo’s a Scorpio. Astrology fail.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Yeah, sure you are.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — What is plural of libra? Libras? Rush Limbaugh hates you.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Let me guess...your favorite musician is Sting?

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your parents got frisky from 2/22 to 3/21. Beware of centaurs firing arrows and Old Spice.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You will come into a pile of money. Only then will you realize you read Ayn Rand too much.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Don’t let fears get in the way of your destiny. Those football players aren’t going to quench their own thirst.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Pain is weakness leaving your body. And by weakness, I mean oxygen. So take some time to breathe today. Because you kind of need oxygen to live. Duh.

Whistle-blowing smoke

2011-12-11T22:31:00.003-06:00

The Saints-Titans game was ugly. I know someone in Lafayette whose father is an NFL official, and she posted a plea tonight on Facebook to stop the criticism because they're doing what they have to do, not necessarily what's popular. And I understand that.

But that was still some of the worst officiating I've ever seen. At first I was saying that as a Saints fan, but I still felt it when the zoo crew began piling on the Titans as well. Both teams did indeed play sloppy, but as my dad says, "You could call holding on every play." The frequency of the flags smacked of corporate directive, as if someone said the officials prior to the game, "we have to crack down on all this subordination and make an example of them."

Did Darren Sproles officially have any yards during the game? It's hard to tell, because literally every major gain he had came back. Timing is everything. Cough.

Jimmy Graham's end zone catch, which was ruled incomplete because of literally a single blade of grass, makes me wonder if the technology has surpassed the spirit of the game. I understand that a catch is supposed to be inbounds, and rules is rules, but something seemed wrong about that. Had a Titans receiver made a catch like that with the same call, I would have gasped at what a bullet the Saints dodged. And I would understand fully why Titans fans would be bitter over that.

So of course I was pissed when Jake Locker leapt over the pylon in the next series and got a score that took about two seconds to review. Reggie Bush made a similar dive two years ago against the Dolphins, as have others, so I'm not saying that it wasn't a score. But it does seem strange that a player can be halfway out of bounds in midair and score, and yet one blade of grass when your entire body is inbounds nullifies the catch.

Also, the Tuck Rule is the Suck Rule.

Ironically, the refs let plenty of blatant infractions by both teams go throughout the game. All in all, I thought it was a poor performance by Mike Carey and his crew, who are usually the best in the game. Maybe they were more on the ball than usual against two sloppy teams. On the other hand, it still seems wrong somehow.

I'm just glad the Saints pulled it out. Though now some Titans are apparently accusing New Orleans of using whistles on the sideline late in the game. I don't see how a whistle would logistically help the Saints on the field, or not get noticed by the real officials. I hope it isn't true. But given the sheer weirdness of the game, would anyone be surprised about it?

Why I don't live in Montana

2011-12-11T21:42:00.000-06:00

I have this weird phobia that I haven't thought about in a while, but just popped up in my head tonight. I can't remember why. All I know is that it began at a very early age, it requires very selective circumstances and I can't think of a time it's ever happened.

That selectiveness makes it even harder to describe, because it doesn't apply to most situations. But here goes: mirrors pointed to the sky give me the creeps. Natural reflections are fine, as are rearview mirrors and windows. Specifically, I don't like when someone moves a large, freestanding mirror toward a wide-open expanse of open sky (or water such as a lake or river). For some reason, I feel like I'm going to see something I don't want to see — as if there's going to be a giant, scary-looking ceiling fan or something else unnatural up there (and maybe a sea monster down there).

Again, it's not like small mirrors or skies or anything like that bothers me; I love beautiful, wide-open expanses of nature. But if someone put out a giant mirror that reflected the whole thing back at me, I'd probably also see my own face in an uneasy expression.

Has anyone else ever had that fear? What, if anything, does it mean?

Alien nation occupation

2011-12-11T13:41:00.001-06:00

I’m strongly opinionated, but I’ve never considered myself an activist.Part of it is that I’m an introvert. Part of it is that I’ve spent most of my career in the media, where advocacy is generally frowned upon. Part of it is that I don’t think you change the world by shouting on street corners — at least, not anymore.

That doesn’t mean I don’t support the underlying causes of many protests and events. What I do object to is a certain kind of activist, the kind that may not realize they are doing more harm than good in terms of attracting people.

I believe ideas take root when people find common ground. Ultimately, we’re all more alike than different. We’re human, with all the common needs that implies. But you wouldn’t know that with the standoffish nature of a lot of activists.

Somewhere along the line, many activists apparently decided that the way to change people’s minds is to confront them and accuse them of wasting their lives. I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but you know the type:

“While all of you sheeple are out watching your football games and your TV shows and other distractions perpetuated by corporations to keep you occupied, brainless and dumb, the whole world’s about to collapse before your eyes. Do you really want to say you did nothing?”

Apparently you can’t be both a football fan AND someone who cares about the planet. I hate false dichotomies like this; not only are they untrue, they usually serve to make the speaker less relatable. I’m all about effecting positive change, but I don’t think that means spending every waking moment immersed forehead-deep in sustainability solutions. If that’s your bag, more power to you. But don’t rag people for having interests outside of that. There are enough ignorant and/or apathetic people out there, not to mention those just trying to get by, without alienating those who would otherwise be interested in making a difference. People have a right to their diversions, because it’s a rough world out there.

That extends to President Obama. Apparently a lot of people are dissatisfied with his time management, saying things like:

“Why is President Obama on TV when he should be out saving the economy?”

Obama must be a powerful president indeed if the few minutes he’s on TV are what is thwarting him from solving all of our problems. I, for one, don’t care if Obama wants to offer some analysis on a football game, because 1) he’s not that powerful, nor is any president; 2) he can’t be focused on solving the worst economic crisis in generations 24/7 any more than the rest of us can do our jobs non-stop; and 3) such a sentiment ignores the complexities of American politics and the fierce opposition he faces in getting things done. Indeed, I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many people complain that a president is on TV too much. Do they really think TV appearances are the reason Obama hasn’t solved all of our problems? Do they think being a recluse and never getting any sleep will help things? Like the aforementioned activists, could this in fact be just a showcase for underlying resentments? Whatever it is, it’s hard for me to get behind this outrage.

Work on it, guys, and maybe we can work together.

The Ironic-Contraception Affair

2011-12-10T11:25:00.001-06:00

Normally, I’m a staunch defender of President Obama. But he really, and tragically, goofed on this one. And his reasoning makes me all the madder about it.

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama on Thursday defended his health secretary's decision to stop the Plan B morning-after pill from moving onto drugstore shelves next to the condoms.

"As the father of two daughters," he said, "I think it is important for us to make sure that we apply some common sense to various rules when it comes to over-the-counter medicine." The president spoke the morning after his administration stunned major doctors' groups and women's health advocates with the decision. ...

For now, Plan B will stay behind pharmacy counters, available without a prescription only to those 17 and older who can prove their age.

I’m not a parent, and maybe I’d agree if I was. But that is exactly what bugs me about this: that Obama backs such a decision because of paternal sensitivity. Has being reactionary ever made a situation less complicated?

If he or any other parent is worried about this, then they should have a dialogue with their children. I don’t think the answer is to err on the side of blocking access. Especially given that:

Sebelius' decision is "medically inexplicable," said Dr. Robert Block of the American Academy of Pediatrics, one of a number of major medical groups that contends over-the-counter access to emergency contraception would lower the nation's high number of unplanned pregnancies.

Pediatricians say the morning-after pill is safe — containing a high dose of the same female hormone that's in regular birth control pills — especially compared to some existing over-the-counter medicines.

I believe that one of America’s stupidest and most consequential blunders is how we treat contraception. It should be available to everyone who wants it, period. Teen pregnancy is a huge and preventable problem in the United States and worldwide, where lack of pills and condoms often leads to rampant spread of disease.

And yet, we’re less judgmental about pretty much anything else. We don’t not pump children’s stomachs because they shouldn’t have been drinking that bleach. We don’t deny teenagers treatment for mono because they might have gotten it from promiscuous kissing. We don’t tell lung cancer sufferers to screw off because they shouldn’t have been smoking all their lives.

Yet, our national attitude against birth control goes like this:

“Yeah, we’ve got it, but if you’re too young, you should be taught a lesson. If you have sex and conceive, it’s clear you’re too young to be making these kinds of choices. So you have no choice. Harlot.”

I expect that of the right-wing Jeezus freeks, but not from smart people like President Obama and Kathleen Sebelius, both of whom have previously shown support for the notion that science exists.

Are we going to start doing this for condoms too? Boy, that’ll help trim our dependence on social programs.

The issues are the same regardless of how the pills are available. And the morning-after pill, in particular, is not something I imagine any girl wants to buy because it’s on the shelf. What is the Obama administration afraid of? That someone’s going to abuse the pills? Can you can get high off birth control? Is 486 the new 420?

I’m tired of repressive religious mores driving how people can deal with very personal and painful decisions. Really, really tired of it. Especially since those same people want nothing to do with the parents or the baby once it’s born. If we’re going to legislate morality, how about declaring that we, as a country, have healthy and honest attitudes about sex and contraception that aren’t derailed by fears and passions?

Even Ditka knew to complain about the urine

2011-12-10T10:34:00.001-06:00

As the late Don LaFontaine would have intoned, “This Sunday ... Jared Allen IS class.”

Officially, Jared Allen serves as defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings. But a more apt description might be whiner, non-diner and 69er. Or, the Ochocinco of Outrage.

"I'm not trying to be mean, but it's just depressing when I go there," he continued. "There's two cities like I don't go out to eat or don't do anything. It's Detroit and New Orleans. New Orleans looks like I'm driving through a third-world country every time I get off the plane, I'm like, 'Oh, flak jacket.' I'm trying to get down. I'm like, 'Ah, crap, I can't carry my gun here. This sucks.'"

The douche density of this quote is thick. Let’s take it one piece at a time to avoid an overdose:

"I'm not trying to be mean...”

Every single time this phrase has been uttered in human history, the speaker has followed it with something mean. No one ever says, “I’m not trying to be mean, but this weather is terrific!”

“But it's just depressing when I go there...”

If you think that’s bad, try living that way for decades on end as industry and infrastructure fails all around you, the result of decades of trickle-down government and institutional prejudice against the poor and minorities. Now that’s depressing. But hey, you can always fly back home and stroll the Mall of America to feel better. After all, you’re a rich football player and have such options. And you think you’re the depressed one?

“There's two cities like I don't go out to eat or don't do anything. It's Detroit and New Orleans.”

I’ll bet these days you don’t like playing Detroit or New Orleans either. Last I checked, both teams were kicking your Viking ass. The Lions are smoking Minnesota in the NFC North, and a late-season stumble is the only reason they have only five more wins than the Vikings.

And really? You don’t like to eat out in New Orleans? That’s kind of THE POINT OF GOING THERE. It’s conceivable that you can enjoy the French Quarter without having a drink, but you can’t not eat. You can find delectable food in random NOLA garbage. You almost have to physically dodge culinary excellence in New Orleans. The streets are paved with it. What else do you avoid in major American cities? The Liberty Bell in Philadelphia? The White House in Washington? Broadway shows on Broadway?

“New Orleans looks like I'm driving through a third-world country every time I get off the plane.”

First off, that’s about as mixed as metaphors get. It’s like if I said, “Jared Allen really hit it out the park with that backboard-shattering sack. GOOOOOOOOOAL!!”

Second, Jared, I’m glad you noticed that. A lot of New Orleanians have been making the same point since Hurricane Katrina. You know, the whole disaster-wiped-out-entire-neighborhoods-and-towns thing. Maybe you should take that disgust to FEMA. Or maybe not.

“I'm like, 'Oh, flak jacket.' I'm trying to get down. I'm like, 'Ah, crap, I can't carry my gun here. This sucks.'"

Talk about sour grapes! It’s like if Dan Orlovsky of the Colts said, “Green Bay is cold. If I lived there, I’d freeze. I’d need a down jacket. Hurr hurr hurr.” Did I mention the Vikings are having a historically terrible year?

Yes, folks, Jared Allen, one of the best defensive ends in pro football, is afraid of even setting foot in New Orleans. I guess all those smaller, non-footbally people who breeze through there every day and night are just ignorant of the danger, huh?

Above: Jared Allen decides not to stroll Bourbon Street after realizing he left his bicep armor in Cadillac Heights.

If the Saints are looking for a creative way to beat Minnesota next week because the normal ways have become too boring, they now know what to do: bring some Ninth Ward residents to stand on the sidelines. Just the piss stain on Allen’s pants should merit a SportsCenter highlight.

Go Lions! And Saints! Time for back-to-back VIKING FUNERALS.

Give me some credit!

2011-12-06T22:17:00.001-06:00

So I just tried to buy a ticket for the New Orleans Bowl. I should have learned by now to do these things earlier, not because they're sold out, but because more random weird glitches are going to happen to me. And that's the better of the two options.

See, Ticketmaster is not accepting my card. They say "cash or credit card only," but I'm never clear if that means they don't accept debit cards. But if it is the case that they accept credit cards and not debit cards, what kind of terrible business model is that?

I use debit cards exclusively. I have never held a credit card, and don't plan on having one. I've built up my credit in other ways and I don't buy anything I can't afford. Instead, I have a valid debit card linked to an account with way more money in it than I need to buy a $47 football ticket. So if it's true that I need a credit card, then what Ticketmaster is telling me is that it's better to go into debt than to buy something with actual money.

The interface could at least tell me that, so I know for sure if I'm justified in my outrage that my sensible spending habits have bitten me in the ass.

I'm still trying to figure out life.

The invisible hand of your heart

2011-12-06T21:12:00.001-06:00

SEX!

Got your attention yet?

In what I’m sure is much to my readers’ collective disappointment, I rarely talk about sexual issues here. Mainly because I don’t have any. Issues, I mean. Boom.

Part of this is because sex, to me, is like food — fun, but kind of boring to talk about. Also, I’m extremely picky in my tastes and think sharing my experiences with both gets you closer to me than you want to be. Also, I’m a gentleman. I don’t eat/kiss and tell.

There’s also the idea that those who talk about sex the most do it the least. So, ....

....

Who Dat!

....

Instead, let’s talk about other people’s sex lives. And whose better sex life to talk about than those who claim not to have sex but who talk about sex the most: evangelical Christians!

(CNN) –True love doesn’t wait after all. That’s the implication in the upcoming October issue of an evangelical magazine that claims that young, unmarried Christians are having premarital sex almost as much as their non-Christian peers. ...

While the study’s primary report did not explore religion, some additional analysis focusing on sexual activity and religious identification yielded this result: 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults (18 to 29) said that they have had sex - slightly less than 88 percent of unmarried adults, according to the teen pregnancy prevention organization.

The article highlights what challenges abstinence movements face. Movements such as “True Love Waits,” encourage teens to wear purity rings, sign virginity pledges and pledge chastity during public ceremonies.

Now, this is just anecdotal, but I don’t think anything’s changing here except the degree of honesty. And while that may make many people sad, I think it’s a good thing to acknowledge what’s been clear since the beginning of time and/or Book of Genesis: we have libidos, and we use them.

From the first time I heard of them as a teenager, I thought purity campaigns were hokey. I don’t know if it was the overly Christian aspect of it or the implied pressure of commitment or what, but I never signed on. The kicker is, I actually didn’t want to have sex until I was married. I made that choice on my own and stuck to it all through high school. I think it was more a matter of responsibility than of shame or guilt or holiness or anything else. I found it to be a very easy standard to keep, and never felt pressure one way or the other. (Indeed, I may have been the most peer-pressure-immune teen ever. It’s as if everyone knew not to even try. I’m still trying to figure that one out.) And I think I know why I waited so long: because from an early age, my parents made sure I understood sex and procreation. They foisted books and pamphlets on me from the first time I ever asked where babies came from. I knew what a fetus was at age 3, gametes at 6 and ejaculation at 9. I knew so much, in fact, that the knowledge did more to scare me off sex than any abstinence horror story ever could. Are you listening, educators?

My biggest beef with purity campaigns is the same that I have with any culture that promotes a virgin-whore dichotomy: the expectation sets teens up for failure and self-loathing. It’s a lot to ask of a teenager to make what is essentially a life decision, particularly when said decision is (ironically?) loaded with peer pressure. And it can do unfathomable damage if that person then gives in to their natural desires, and subsequently hates themselves for it. They might feel as if they’ve ruined their purity for all time, and that they are no longer worthy of love, affection and spiritual fulfillment. It sets them up to go hard in the other direction, whereas someone without such pressure could handle it in a more tempered way. Let’s face it — your first time is awkward and fumbly enough without that overbearing shame on your conscience.

I felt as a teenager, and still do today, that you should have sex only when you’re ready. It should never happen under peer pressure; at the same time, pressure or shame should never curb a potentially wonderful experience. Your conscience should be your guide, always. And, I hope it goes without saying, you should be smart and safe about it. Because the abstinence crowd is right about one thing: sex is a big deal and carries significant potential consequences, both physically and emotionally. What the puritans leave out, though, is that sex is also one of the best feelings two people can share. And it looks to me like more and more religious Americans are admitting that to themselves. Healthier attitudes about sex can never be a bad thing.

And with that, I’m out. As a 31-year-old unmarried blogger, I feel like I’m talking more about sex than is good for my reputation. Was it good for you?

Tim Tebow and nuclear power

2011-12-06T07:09:00.001-06:00

Feel like being inspired? Read this!

Jason Whitlock credits Tim Tebow’s success not to some Godlike godliness (which is refreshing, granted), but to the fact that he has both of his parents. It’s exactly the kind of riches-to-riches, overcoming-no-adversity story that warms all of our hearts!

My parents were separated until I was 8 years old. No wonder I’m a failure like Vince Young.

OK, OK, I get it. Whitlock is saying that having both parents in a child’s life matters. I agree. But come on. Roughly half of American kids grow up in a non-nuclear family these days, and it’s not like it’s something they can help. Hell, maybe it’s even for the best if the parents clash all the time.

People should never be made to feel inferior, or superior, due to factors beyond their control. Children of divorcees especially should never be made to feel like they are lesser people, or that they will always lack an advantage that comes from nuclear families. That’s an obnoxious, self-defeating and hyper-judgmental notion. Not to mention wrong — last I checked, some successful NFL players come from so-called broken homes. Four, maybe even five or six, by my count.

There’s nothing wrong with celebrating a loving family — but only with sensitivity toward those whose circumstances aren’t necessarily such. And it shouldn’t be forgotten that those who aren’t so lucky have a unique strength all their own, which can translate to the same kinds of success.

The universe tends to unfold as it should. And that’s why we are who we are. Let’s celebrate it.

Rulings on the field

2011-12-06T00:15:00.001-06:00

Rule #181: Don’t Aaron the Side of Caution

The Green Bay Packers should be required to go for 16-0. When you’re that good, why not chase perfection? You owe your owners, the people of Green Bay, Wisconsin, no less than the best possible product every time you take the field. Surely you’re not afraid of injuries, are you? You’re the Packers! Taking risks and playing with confidence is why you’re 12-0! Keep up the good work and don’t put your backups in like some scrubs!

Rule #182: God’s Green Turf

Dear God, please let someone other than Tim Tebow be your manifestation on the football field. I like to think that a field general made in the image of a benevolent creator can throw a pass in the pocket. At the very least, he should impress John Elway, who was impressed by “John Elway’s Quarterback.” Ever try to pass in that game? You look like ... whoa! Talk about a divine coincidence!

Rule #183: Oh, S Can E C ...

If you’re preparing to spend $4,495 on a sideline seat for the BCS National Championship ... just know that, eventually, you’ll have to return it. And that those of us watching on TV from much better angles will be laughing at you.

Rule #184: Another Run Bites the Dust

Hey, Packers! Know how you can stem all that annoying 16-0 talk? Lose!

Past rules playbook

The Herman Cain memorial post

2011-11-30T21:19:00.001-06:00

In the shopping center next to my apartment complex, there sits an oddity: a Godfather's Pizza joint that appears to be long defunct. Inside, there's little more than a bar and mere traces of what once was. Next door to that is a Cajun restaurant that is equally defunct and even harder to imagine ever having been open. So what makes that an oddity, you ask? Well, the Godfather's Pizza sign remains lit like a Christmas tree:

You know that neighbor who never takes down their Christmas lights? This is the storefront equivalent of that.

I can't imagine this sign being lit 24 hours a day, but if it isn't, that means someone is flipping it on every night. And that's even weirder. I wonder who's paying for it. And why they think it's smart to advertise a business that isn't open (especially a pizza place, which represents a particularly painful false hope). In any case, the lights are on but nobody's home.

I've often felt that way about former Godfather's CEO Herman Cain, who is apparently considering withdrawing from the presidential race. Not only do I think he should on account of the alleged sexual harassment charges that are pouring in, but I find it amazing that he ever was in the race in the first place. But that's in my mental vacuum. In the real world, I can see not only why he's in the race, but why he may not even quit. It seems a lot of people, including quite a few friends of mine, are still eager backers of Cain. Given all the recent scandals, that reflects some serious loyalty.

That loyalty puzzles me. Cain is a living embodiment of sheer political cynicism. He's a token, and a weak token at that. He seems to have some potential as a political leader (though that might now be dashed), but you don't generally start in public office with the presidency. And it certainly doesn't reflect well on Republicans who chided President Obama's short political career to turn around and support someone with literally no political experience — especially since his understanding of world events seems closer to Sarah Palin's than to Obama's.

We're supposed to like him just because he's black, is what I'm saying. He's the GOP's attempt to court Obama voters, minus the actual reasons people voted for Obama. We saw the same trick in 2008 with Sarah Palin's attempts to lure Hillary Clinton voters. And they wonder why they're so toxic to minorities, women and anyone else who judges people by the content of their character.

Speaking of content of character, if the multiple allegations are to be believed, Cain has at least one massive character flaw: a penchant for sexual harassment. Assuming this is true, then Cain clearly has a problem that he should be working to rectify rather than running for office. Sexual harassment is a particularly reprehensible offense, because even extramarital affairs (as bad as they are too) aren't predatory. Such behavior is a throwback to the good-ol-boy, grab-ass "Mad Men" era that might be a hoot on TV, but is justifiably passé in real life. Just like most of the meaner things for which today's GOP stands.

I'm not asking candidates to be perfect, because we're all human. But they should at least try. And they should be more than a snazzy sign advertising something that's long past its time. And it's up to us as voters to know when to stop paying for the tainted pizza. Metaphorically speaking.

A penny's worth of thoughts on nickel-and-diming

2011-11-30T20:56:00.001-06:00

Yesterday on ESPN, I heard that the owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars not only fired head coach Jack Del Rio, but also sold the team. The network’s analysts then went into a segment about everything that was wrong with the Jags (it’s a stretch to call it a segment, though, because it lasted roughly an hour). While they recounted the Jaguars’ rough year, one of the analysts said something like, “It all began when they cut David Garrard at the beginning of the season, but at least they saved millions of dollars.”

To paraphrase the Bible, I wept.

Garrard, for those of you unfamiliar with Jaguars football, was their starting quarterback. He was criticized for being inconsistent, but he showed flashes of greatness throughout his tenure. His firing was a surprise to many, because it seemed like trying to repair a junked car by breaking one of the last two functioning lights (the other bulb being Maurice Jones-Drew). Any sense that move made was more than canceled out by Garrard’s replacement, Blaine Gabbert, who is ... well, I’m sure he’s trying his best.

They suck and the front-office decisions aren’t helping, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, the analyst’s quote really got me to thinking about what we hold dear. And in these trying times, it seems that frugality, even at the expense of quality or common sense, trumps all. We want a good deal. And the definition of a good deal is money in our pockets. But since when is money the only thing with any value? I’m not just talking about sports, either; it’s true everywhere. Saving money is the only thing that matters anymore, even if it goes against common sense. I can understand the pressures to cut back on spending in these extraordinarily lean times, but this is ridiculous. Especially since it’s so selective — after all, many of the same Americans will blow all their dough on things they don’t need, just because of the perception that they’re getting a good deal.

Spending money to “save” money is ridiculous. Not spending available money when you need to spend money is equally ridiculous. No matter what kind of economic times we live in, we all have needs. And it should never be considered a victory to save money when not spending it is unconscionable or otherwise a miserly act. And that’s true on all levels — personal, athletic, government, etc.

Money is a valuable commodity and should be spent responsibly. But some assets are more important. After all, there’s a reason money has worth; it’s to buy things that are even more intrinsically vital. Just ask the Jaguars. I’m sure they’re bubbly from all the money they saved this season.

More pointlessness

2011-11-30T01:18:00.001-06:00

Blinded by Giants

2011-11-29T22:14:00.000-06:00

Updating conventional wisdom

2011-11-27T18:59:00.001-06:00

Today's words of wisdom: "Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime."

Revised for 2011: Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. But he’ll get complacent and greedy, so don’t give him that fish. Instead, tell him that if he learns to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. If he asks you to teach him, tell him it’s not your responsibility. If he asks where he can take a class, tell him to find out for himself. If he asks where he can obtain a fishing pole, tell him to buy one, because you certainly aren’t going to subsidize it. If he says that budgets have been slashed for public fishing lessons, assure him that he can find a friend, charity or church to help him. If he has alienated all his friends, charities are underfunded and no church will touch him, that’s his problem. If he does somehow surmount the odds, learns to fish and begins to catch enough to get by, make sure that he isn’t cheating the system. After all, why should you, as a successful fisherman, assume the burden? What would your incentive to fish be then? It’s only fair. If he has a problem with it, maybe he should just become successful too instead of bothering with this hunger nonsense. Hunger is simply a crutch for screwups. If you help hungry people, what kind of lesson will they learn? Certainly not one that lasts a lifetime.

Bowling point

2011-11-26T01:15:00.001-06:00

One of my Facebook friends (who is from Lafayette) posted a status tonight celebrating LSU's clinching of a berth for the national college football title — "Don't hate just appreciate," he said. In it, he couldn't resist taking a swipe at the UL Ragin' Cajuns, who are also bowl bound. "Maybe they'll be headed to a National Title game in like 50 years," he said.

I'm not really sure why praise for LSU has to come wrapped in contempt for UL. But I've heard it before, and it pisses me off. Both teams have done staggeringly well this season. The difference is, one is a rich and storied program with consistent national success (including national titles in 2003 and 2007), and the other is a scrappy, shoestring program with a first-year head coach that no one ever expects to win anything. They went from three wins to the New Orleans Bowl in a single year. Both feats are impressive. And they have nothing to do with each other, which makes the swipe all the more baffling.

I don't like when UL people actively root for LSU to lose, either. I suspect a lot of that comes from the hate that some in the LSU community have for my alma mater. With the way Louisiana collegiate funding guarantees that no school will ever even approach LSU, that just seems like piling on. Again, though, UL's fortunes are not related to LSU.

Ultimately, we're all Louisianans. Let's enjoy both teams' success, OK?

Blaxploitation

2011-11-25T00:33:00.001-06:00

Black Friday is an odd animal.

The way I see it, it takes two qualities to camp out in front of a store or mall for days at a time: 1) lots of free time and 2) at least in theory, enough money to make those kinds of purchases. How those two things go hand in hand, I don't know. All I know is, I work all the time and expensive gadgets for every member of my family aren't exactly on the radar.

When I was a columnist for my college newspaper, which came out on Wednesdays, I'd often hit campus late on Tuesday nights — that's when they'd deliver the fresh issues. I always liked seeing my work in print. That's the extent of my experience waiting in long lines with eager nighttime crowds. Well, except for the whole line, crowd part.

I've never been a Black Friday Trekkie. And yet, by spending zero, I feel like I get the best bargains every year. And sleep to boot!

What sucks about Black Friday is discovering you need some essential item like soap or toothpaste, and having to go get it. There ought to be a store that refuses to cater to Black Friday shoppers. I'll bet that would appeal to a lot of people. And then it'd become very crowded, rendering the whole thing moot. Sheesh.

I'm glad I have toothpaste today.

You're welcome

2011-11-24T00:00:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. Even as a kid, I often liked it more than Christmas. Here are some reasons Thanksgiving is awesome:

1) It's like Christmas without the gift obligations.

2) I really, really, really like turkey.

3) The pressure-free assurance that is Detroit Lions football.

4) When it comes to atmosphere, the Macy's parade beats a lava lamp any day.

5) Being a single and somewhat immature guy, I'm never asked to cook a Thanksgiving meal.

6) Back before I was old enough to truly appreciate it, we used to play street football.

7) My favorite thing about Thanksgiving night in Springfield was passing by the Toys 'R' Us on my way home from work and being grateful that I had better things to do ... like not that.

8) Cranberry sauce is pretty good too.

9) We'd often drive to my my grandmother's house in Baton Rouge, eat lunch there and then go back to my other grandparents' house (next door to mine) and join that party in progress.

10) "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" is the best Thanksgiving movie ever made. And that would be true even if there were other Thanksgiving movies.

11) You can fall asleep while watching "Planes, Trains & Automobiles." Or while playing street football.

12) For most of my childhood, Thanksgiving was my only time in front of a camcorder, so that made my cameos all the more special. Also, at age 7, I drank a beer on camera.

13) Christmas music seems fresh again.

14) Pumpkin pie rules.

15) Fox News doesn't go on about the War on Thanksgiving, and how secular liberal killjoys want to call it Eat Day. Or Turkey Day. Or Detroit Lions Day. Or We Killed All the Indians Day.

16) I can't think of a 16th reason. And I don't have to, because it's a holiday, dammit! Happy Thanksgiving. Eat. Be merry. And make sure those are, in fact, pillows.

Another quick thought

2011-11-21T22:19:00.001-06:00

The harder you try to sound smart, the more you sound like you're trying to be smart. So the smart thing to do is to sound like you and not try.

Quick thought

2011-11-21T22:06:00.001-06:00

Whenever I hear an older person complain about how standards have fallen, I think, "Well, whose fault is that?" I also don't agree, because I think it's a perspective thing.

I have way, way more to say about that. And I will.

Noel? Oh well...

2011-11-20T08:04:00.001-06:00

We're nearing that magical time of year again — The War on Christmas! Ho, ho, hoo-ah and pass the ammunition! Tinsel Fi! All hands on deck to deck the decked halls! I'm sure I could make more puns if I knew more military terminology!

You know it's a good war when only the defense is fighting. As far as I can tell anyway, because I figure that any massive offensive comprising secular liberals fed up with over-commercialization and religious influence in politics would have at least sent me an invite or something. Alas, I guess I'll have to stick to celebrating Christmas with my family for the time being.

This poem I found on Facebook this morning encapsulates a lot of the malarkey we tend to hear about the Alleged War on Christmas (or AWOC, for you military acronym buffs):

With this in mind, I have a few questions for the Christmas Warriors among us:

1) Have Christians really stopped praying?

2) How much power does the "PC Police" have? I'm a Mac user; will they come for me next?

3) When have schools ever banned anything but forced, involuntary prayer?

4) Who doesn't say Christmas when referring specifically to the Dec. 25 Christian holiday?

5) Why has it taken you so long to notice the crass commercialization of Christmas when A Charlie Brown Christmas lamented the same thing in 1965?

6) I haven't seen any Ramadan or Kwanzaa displays at big-box stores, let alone read when retailers announced that said displays were middle-fingers to Christians. Do I need new contact lenses?

7) Jane Fonda is indisputably the face of Kwanzaa, so I'll let that one slide. But isn't Al Franken Jewish? As in, very much not Muslim?

8) Why do department stores hold so much sway in what you personally believe? And where did you get the idea that these stores are striking out Christmas references?

How dare...

retailers remove...

Christmas references...

and change...

them to...

...forget it.

9) Why are your political references so old? And why does the Rev. Al Sharpton show up? Couldn't you at least replace him with Barack Obama?

10) Didn't the Senate bill to suppress Jesus talk die in the Urban Legend Subcommittee?

11) Where are these Christians who aren't saying a word? Are they being drowned out by all the Christians who won't stop crying wolf?

12) "Winter break?" "Dream tree?" Has someone been watching the Star Wars Christmas Special on a loop?

13) Could be it be that people make holiday references not to pooh-pooh Christianity, but because we live in an extremely diverse nation that celebrates a variety of holidays this time of year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and many more, and we're keenly aware that not everyone celebrates the same one? And that we want to appeal to the holiday spirit in everyone, regardless of what they believe? And that absolutely no one wants to remove or secularize Christmas? Even non-religious people like me, who love it nonetheless and will be having fun that day and not be outraged at phantom threats like the so-called true believers?

14) Oh, and are you aware that Ramadan was in August this year?

Digging deep in the conservative closet

2011-11-18T21:49:00.001-06:00

Back in the day, I used to mock right-wing merchandise a lot. I moved on, but apparently the stuff didn't. So here's some swag from the Conservative Humor Cafépress store. But only part of the first page. I didn't have all night.

Kids don't eat for free at this all-American family cookout! Goes great paired with the "Kiss the Cook's Ass" apron for libertarians.

Not that 1 percent, you're not. Maybe some other, less-flattering 1 percent.

This one looks great next to that Bush-Cheney 2004 sticker you never quite got around to taking off.

And just like that, this adorable plush plaything wrests the Cognitive Dissonance Award away from the Blackwater Teddy Bear.

Now available in trophy-wife fit.

As opposed to conservative babies, who are exactly the same way, but also cry all day and night, think they're the center of the universe, wear out the working adults tending to them, suck all the money out of the household for 18 years and hog all the good tax breaks. But that doesn't quite fit on a bib. Anyway, conservative babies don't wear bibs because that would just imply weakness in the eating area.

If the government was the people like it's supposed to be, rather than a massive conglomeration of corporations, lobbyists, the wealthy and other elite interests, maybe this wouldn't be a problem. But why do I feel like that isn't where you're coming from at all?

And the award for Most Likely to Appear Next to a Focus on the Family Bumper Sticker and/or Truck Nutz goes to ...

Lafffffffffffffffffff

2011-11-18T19:45:00.001-06:00

Last night, while grocery shopping, I came up with a joke. And I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m actually understating that; I was laughing as uncontrollably as my bronchitis had me coughing last week. People turned and stared, but I couldn’t help it.

The joke was funny in a warmed-up-and-drunk-comedy-club-crowd kind of way. I was picturing myself as a stand-up comedian not being able to get to the punch line, which made me laugh even harder. Then I thought of other things that made me laugh, and they made me laugh too.

For what it’s worth, here’s the joke:

“I went to the store and bought some country-style orange juice. Turns out the country was Serbia.”

OK, so it loses probably 99.9 percent of its hilarity when read. I suspect that most comedy does. Even comedy as powerful as mine. Oh.

Stupid little jokelets like this pop up in my mind and crack me up all the time — as anyone who’s ever ridden on a bus or been to a funeral with me can attest. And I’m sure it’s annoying sometimes. But I’ve also noticed that it often makes other people smile or even laugh as well (and it sure works on me). Laughter is like a contagious yawn for good. It can make a crummy day better. Hopefully that’s what I, as a weird guy, did last night for somebody.

I like making people feel happy. I’m not always able to do that, so I really feel special when I can. Even if you don’t know what I’m thinking, I hope you can still feel the love.

Love is a taste everyone can enjoy. Just like Serbian orange juice.

Profound quote

2011-11-16T04:10:00.001-06:00

"If Christian churches truly lived Jesus' message, they'd all be holes in the wall." — Me

Sticky ticket

2011-11-16T03:59:00.001-06:00

Not long after my concussion in early 2000, I received my first — and to this day, only — moving violation. I wish I could blame it on the head injury, but in truth I had done a rolling stop at a stop sign that had just been put up at a screwy intersection. I knew it was there, and even if I hadn’t, there was a sign before the sign warning of the sign. Really, I had no excuse. Though I felt like I did stop. And it was 7:01 a.m. And my taillights were intact. And the cop was in a pissy mood. Anyway.

After the pullover, I drove the rest of the half-block home (yep, this was on my own turf). I went inside, trotted into my bedroom and did what any sensible man with a traffic ticket and a lingering head injury does: I began to wail and jump up and down on the ticket. I stopped short of tearing it in half, but I did smear some of the writing and accidentally tore a small hole in the center. I very loudly cursed the woman officer and said, well, why don’t I just give you a better reason to arrest me? You know, the kind of stuff that would be absolutely stupid to do in any other circumstance.

This hubbub drew the attention of my dad, who walked into the room. After I explained to him that I got a ticket — ME, who doesn’t get tickets! — I got frustrated all over again. “Well, there goes my record,” I said with all the deflated fatalism of a True Love Waits believer who just gave it up. “I guess this is what everyone will know me for now.”

It was then that my normally excitable dad said something I’ll never forget: “This could be a blessing in disguise.” My dad never says “blessing in disguise,” so I took note.

A term of the ticket was that I had to take a two-day defensive-driving course at a local driving school. At the beginning of the first class, we all had to say why we were there. I was one of the last people to share, by which point I wanted to embellish. One kid was there for drag racing. The instructor reacted by dropping his head in his hands. “That’s my son,” he said sheepishly. I couldn’t make that up.

As it turns out, I learned a lot in that class about defensive driving tactics — things I never had trouble with, but once put in practice made me a better, more proactive driver. I can think of specific times in the intervening years that I’ve avoided an accident or worse directly because of what I learned in that classroom. And it all happened because of one bad incident that I had brought upon myself.

Really bad experiences have a way of turning into positives if you let them. It’s just a matter of learning, and getting past that first, painful turn. Or, in my case, stop.

A bad sign for protesting?

2011-11-14T06:39:00.001-06:00

Is protesting a thing of the past? In a way, I think it is.

I’m not saying that the impetus behind protests don’t matter; indeed, they do. Anyone scrappy enough to stand up for what they believe in will always form the cornerstone of American democracy. And registering disgust with the aim to effect lasting change is what we’ve historically done best.

I just think that the most effective methods for doing that are changing. And it’s important to recognize that.

Liberals, libertarians and tea partiers take to the streets with signs, costumes and a (to them) genuine sense of indignance. They shout, they chant, they march. They want to get their message out and the media is only too eager to help out (albeit usually with a sensationalist tilt).

Meanwhile, conservatives focus on assuming seats of local school boards and offices, taking the helm of businesses big and small and working to influence legislation at all levels through numbers, money and clout. The legislation, in turn, allows them unprecedented power and influence in all of our lives, often in ways that are apparent only in the long term.

Out of these four groups, who is most effective? I’d argue it works in this order: conservatives, liberals and a tie between libertarians and the tea party. Pretty much directly inverse to who’s protesting the most.

I’m not saying the Occupy protests are fruitless or a waste of time; if anything, they show the numbers and energy are there for lasting change if we know how to go about it. But that just makes it all the more frustrating that they’re out there wearing masks and occupying, when the nefarious people are doing.

I think street protests have outlived their usefulness. Not the spirit behind them, but the act of taking the streets. For several reasons:

1) Rarely are protests directed at point-blank range anymore. The sit-ins in southern diners in the 1960s sent a powerful message to local owners against segregation. It’s impossible to ignore or misread displeasure when someone you refuse to serve over their skin color won’t give up their seat. And forcibly removing them only furthered their cause. It’s an example of something that struck right at the heart of the problem and led to inevitable change. As mad as people are at Wall Street today, the fact is that it is a massive, corporate institution employing millions of people with a variety of viewpoints. It’s like screaming at some kid working in a Wal-Mart in Arizona and expecting Wal-Mart to change its predatory retail ways. Productive protesting is about direct confrontation with the power, not declaring political war on an idea. That doesn’t work any more than it does on an actual battlefield.

2) Media over-saturation ruins the message. This is an ironic one, but it’s true. With so many media outlets out there, everyone is looking for a different angle. And no one gets the full picture. At best, 24/7 media coverage dilutes the impact of the protest; there’s only so many ways a network can fill airtime with, “Yep, they’re still out there.” The more we see it, the more we start to wonder if it’s actually accomplishing anything. And that can defeat any impact it is making.

3) There aren’t enough real people putting their reputations on the line. The media paints a picture that is often not a flattering one — tea partiers with tri-corner hats and misspelled signs on one end, masses with Guy Fawkes masks on the other. Regardless of ideological stance, many people find that alienating. This perception problem was the complaint a lot of the tea partiers had (though that doesn’t take away from the fact that their ideology is based on empirical lies). The way I see it, if protesting is about active citizenry, then people should chuck the cuteness and commit to it. What I’d rather see are real faces, people not afraid to be seen standing up for their principles. Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t wear a mask at a time when exposing your face could get you shot (and ultimately, he was). But that’s also why people remember him and why his protests effected lasting change. No one could dismiss him and his brethren. We knew who they were. And we could identify.

4) The Internet is the street now, whereas the street is a mall. We know what everyone is thinking all the time. And it’s turning out to be a terrific avenue for expression and change. That’s important as cities see increasing gentrification. It’s also why I’m confident that true, lasting change will eventually happen all over the world. We’ve got it in us.

What Penn State says about our state

2011-11-12T08:30:00.001-06:00

(What I say here assumes that commonly held assumptions are correct. Everyone deserves a fair trial. I say this upfront because it bears a lot on my points here.)

The Penn State scandal is shocking and sad. And frustrating, stupefying, infuriating, bizarre, image-shattering and era-defining. And irrevocably tragic.

This is one of those times where there’s more than enough ugliness to go around. Not just for those who perpetrated the molestation of young boys, but for those who misdirect their anger over it. And, yes, there’s a lot of that going on.

I hope it goes without saying that any decent human being is dead set against child molestation. Just the idea that a trusted authority figure would rape young boys, and that others knew about it but didn’t take appropriate action, is enough to get anyone with a pulse to go red and rapid. As often happens in these situations, I think that obvious fact gets lost. Because to hear many of people’s kneejerk reaction to the situation, anyone who is not completely black-and-white on the issue is a monster. And by “issue,” I don’t mean the molestation (that is black and white) — I’m referring to the aftermath.

In response to Penn State students taking to the streets in defense of fired head coach Joe Paterno, many said, “How dare these jerks put winning football games above heinous crimes!” And yes, that would be awful — if that’s what they were doing. But I’d prefer to think that not one member of that march felt any need to defend Jerry Sandusky, or otherwise would ever apologize for child rape. But then again, “How dare these jerks put a beloved figure, mentor and friend above murky allegations of guilt by association” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

It’s hard for me not to feel at least a twinge of pity for Paterno. Because if it turns out that he somehow isn’t complicit in all this, he really got a bad deal. Maybe an inevitable one, but still something I’d hate to contemplate in his shoes. And if he did get a bad deal, it’s because we as a mob demand heads. After 61 years at Penn State, Paterno left in disgrace. But at this point at least, it’s hard to tell whose disgrace it is.

Paterno is the lightning rod because people know who he is. And because he has farther to fall. A friend of mine described his firing as “a drop in the bucket,” and I agree. At worst, there was a concerted effort to suppress these incidents. If that’s true, it doesn’t start or end with one person. If Paterno was culpable, he certainly deserves firing and punishment. But so would lots of other people alongside him. And we’d better get the right ones, not only to justify the roundup, but so that the truly bad apples are out of position to foster that environment from here on out. That, not vengeance, should be the point of any firing and of any punishment meted out.

What bothers me about the backlash is that it often ignores the real issues and becomes about something else. I’ve written numerous times about how a lot of tragic events become excuses for people to engage in their prejudices. Instead of addressing the problems and coming together to put a stop to them, we get further circling of the respective wagons and a competition to see who can be the most self-righteously reactionary. It becomes more about punishment than about helping the victims.

Among the worst offenders:

• People who issue blanket condemnation. This diminishes the true heinousness of the crimes. Sandusky is the real heel here. Paterno deserves no slack either if he knew about it and did nothing or not enough. But to hold the two in equal contempt is doing Sandusky a favor he doesn’t deserve. Assuming what we’ve heard is true, then both men deserve our scorn for different reasons. And as I’ve said, any scorn due to Paterno is equally due to numerous others.

• Penn State partisans. On the flip side, these are the people who will never believe Paterno did anything wrong, even if evidence shows that he did cover it up. These are the people who critics complain hold football and prestige above all else. They do exist, though I doubt their numbers approach anything near the number of sane, rational, caring human beings in the Penn State community. I worry that the adamance of the “my school right or wrong” crowd will make assigning accurate blame all that much harder.

• Those who cite this as proof that college athletics should be de-emphasized or eradicated. Why do I suspect that everyone who says this has always wanted to do that?

The outrage and grief that this scandal has brought forth is very real, and the irreparable harm done to the victims very tragic. The last thing it needs is the boilerplate responses it triggers from all the usual suspects. That may be human nature, but compassion is also part of human nature. And compassion for the victims, not a mob mentality one way or the other, should always be first and foremost.

New Rules

2011-11-11T23:56:00.001-06:00

Rule #178: Allen Dredgery

If your TV show is centered around pretentious assholes, at least make sure that, at some point, they get their comeuppance. I’m not going to point fingers here, but there is at least one group of oversaturated actors and filmmakers that keeps taking potentially brilliant setups and frustratingly squanders them every chance they get. And I get the feeling they do it on purpose, because they think unchecked verbal abuse of easy targets is funny. As are stereotypes of gays as evangelical, predatory monsters. And rapid-fire, pseudo-witty, douchebag dialogue.

If you’re going to be that way, at least have some laughs in there. I laughed more at “Bob’s Burgers,” and watching that show to me was like eating a flavorless piece of candy.

Rule #178-B: Animation Abomination

Maybe the Occupy protests should spread to the apparently 1 percent of people making our entertainment these days. I feel like Seth MacFarlane is in everything. Seth is one of my absolute favorites, but if he makes even one more show, Fox will explode like microwave popcorn. The problem with giving one person so much airtime is that, eventually, you forget why you wanted so much of this person in the first place.

I would probably feel embarrassed if MSNBC devoted an entire evening to talk shows starring me. Just mulling the idea makes me sick. Absolutely sick.

Rule #178-C: Flick Clique

At least give us time to get sick of Seth Rogen before giving us Jonah Hill to get sick of.

Rule #179: Gee, O P!

I don’t really care that Herman Cain is allegedly a serial sexual harasser or that Rick Perry lost his bearings on live TV. First off, neither one of those qualities has ever kept a Republican from political success. Also, neither one will ever be president.

Rule #179-B: Texas Toast

“Perry’s Third Thing” would be an awesome name for a band. Or a horror flick.

Rule #180: Banner manners

There has to be some something that can’t be sponsored.

Older New Rules

Drill, maybe, drill

2011-11-07T23:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, one of my friends posted this as his Facebook status:

“Against drilling? Park it and walk.”

Well, you got me there. I don’t support limitless drilling for oil, so I am a hypocrite for driving a car. And for riding a bike that requires lubrication. And presumably for walking on a sidewalk made with petroleum products. Huh. That was easy.

It’s just like when tea party types assemble on public streets to call for an end to taxes. Well, no. That’s actually hypocritical. It directly addresses an unwitting irony that shows exactly how insipid that position is. The drilling quote is more like those false-dichotomy statements that Bush supporters assaulted us with back in 2003: “You’re against the war in Iraq? Why do you support terrorism?”

The problem with statements like these is that they misrepresent the issue. I would guess most people are not against oil drilling. Maybe they’re against new oil drilling, or drilling in protected environments, or unchecked drilling when it’s a dangerous proposition. Those are hardly dastardly stances. Of those who do oppose drilling, I’d guess all of them are in favor of alternative energy. It seems stupid to point that out, but some really seem to think that some are calling for an end to energy as we know it.

This ties into the dubious notion that fossil fuels are the only viable form of energy we have. It’s true that, right now, they are the most viable. But that’s mainly through a combination of inertia and undersupported research. As long as we have a financially and politically dominant petrochemical industry in the U.S., alternative energy will always face an uphill climb. It’s ignorant to pretend that merits alone are driving this debate.

I, for one, would love to drive a car that doesn’t run on gas or other fossil fuels. The problem is, there currently aren’t any cars like that. Electric cars suffer from short range, lack of infrastructure and often require energy from coal-fired power plants. Even hybrids use gas, and they’re out of my price range anyway. Until we have an abundance of physically feasible and affordable alternative-energy cars, people like me will continue to have to employ vehicles for which power sources are less than ideal. (And that goes equally for public-transportation users; buses and trains still require fuel.)

In the real world, life’s like that. You have to compromise every single day. Compromise doesn’t make you unprincipled; it means you’re able to adapt to life’s realities. And that’s something that conservatives should really try sometime. It’s got to beat twisting reality into bizarre shapes all the time.

Park that!

xkljvbskgbskdxiao

2011-11-07T03:57:00.002-06:00

This is pretty much the first moment November has let up on me. And even here, at 3:54 a.m., I'm battling a sore throat and runny nose that I've had for more than a week now.

You know you've had an intense week when you find yourself staring at the score of the Sunday night NFL game, and you can't comprehend either what the score is or who's playing. And this happens like five times in a row.

Time to sleep, I guess. I don't know. I'm too tired to decide.

This conversation happened

2011-11-03T22:28:00.001-05:00

(A deep, dark place, August 2011)

"It appears that Ian set up a utilities account with us a month ago."

"What? That's not right!"

"Yep. It appears we sent him a letter with his name and account number and everything."

"Well, what shall we do?"

"Close it out, of course!"

"Shall we notify him?"

"He'll become aware of it in three months when we shut off his power in the middle of the afternoon."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"Oh, but of course we will notify him first. We'll send him notices. Several a week, in fact. They will absolutely pile up in his mailbox and later on his kitchen island, and then in the return-to-sender box and on the desk of his apartment manager. They will grow like kudzu."

"What if he's the responsible sort and nips it in the bud?"

"We thought of that, which is why we're flipping the account back to the name of the previous tenant, Clarissa."

"So we're going to send him mail addressed to the apartment's previous tenant, and expect him to open it, let alone pay it?"

"Hey, a bill's a bill."

"Fair enough. But is Clarissa in fact the previous tenant?"

"Hell if I know! But with the amount of mail Ian gets every day addressed to a list of previous tenants that seems to grow with every passing month, he probably won't notice one way or the other."

"I heard there were some names even the apartment manager didn't recognize."

"That was probably one of the big banks. Their mail machine just randomly generates names now. Why didn't we think of that?"

"I'll tell you what the banks didn't think of: Charging Ian for a second connection fee for something that wasn't his fault and never, ever happens to anyone else, ever."

"Well, to be fair, Ian apparently didn't find it suspicious that he hadn't paid a bill in two months."

"Though when confronted, he'll probably just say that he had a letter that said he had a credit for overpayment in August. And also that he thought he had set up a debit plan with us. And also that his power never went off. And also that he is still adjusting to a new city and new work/waking hours, let alone scrutinize his bank statement for bills he just assumes are coming out automatically each month. Or that at some point, he figures somebody's going to approach him and ask why he's being such a deadbeat. You know, just to let him know he's delinquent if nothing else. Kind of like every other service does."

"But we will. He's just won't be opening them. That's his fault."

"How is it his fault if the letters aren't even addressed to him?"

"He could still open them, if only to figure out why he keeps getting them."

"Isn't opening someone else's mail a federal offense?"

"Who would complain if someone else pays their bill?"

"Why would he pay someone else's bill? After all, it's not like she bothered to change her address on anything else."

"But it's his bill, just with her name on it!"

"Not following the logic here."

"People pay other peoples' bills all the time. Married couples, for example."

"They've never met."

"Doesn't matter. He knows he lives there and she doesn't. The name doesn't matter, the apartment number does."

"But...we already switched it over to his name. Have you forgotten that? We're switching it back to hers? That never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER happens! He is absolutely not going to follow that train of thought, because it's totally insane!"

"Well, I guess we'll have to switch to plan B."

"Which is?"

"When he figures out his power is dead, all his refrigerated food has perished and he can't see in his bathroom, he will call us. And we'll tell him his power has been shut down for lack of payment. And that he can only get it back on if he sprints to our office across town before it shuts down for the evening in half an hour."

"What if he hangs up and tries again?"

"Then we'll tell him it's not his fault, that the apartment complex actually switched it over to their name."

"What if he talks to his neighbors and finds out that none of them had that happen to them, and he calls back a third time?"

"Then we'll tell him we don't know what's going on, but we can put in an order to have it turned back on within a couple of days, as long as he pays $300."

"What if he checks with the apartment management, who tell him that no such thing should ever happen?"

"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, they'll probably comp him by letting him spend the night in their show apartment, which is much bigger than his and has an opulent bed and bathtub, and also very good wi-fi."

"And how will that make his life appropriately miserable?"

"He'll realize only in the middle of the night that the opulent show bed has no sheets under the comforter, and that he has to use his button-down shirt as a rudimentary cover."

"Ha! By the way, what does Ian do for a living?"

"I don't know. But I know for sure he isn't a writer or anything like that, who'd ever mine this for material."

"Eeeexcellent."

A Culture War field guide to Halloween

2011-10-31T20:06:00.000-05:00

Republican Halloween

A rich kid dressed as Iron Man and a poor kid dressed like a bum knock on the door and scream, “TRICK OR TREAT!” The homeowner eyes the kid with the expensive costume and gives him all the candy. Then the homeowner reaches into the bum’s bag, takes out half of what he got from the other houses and pours it in Iron Man’s bag. When the bum objects, the homeowner accuses him of class warfare and insists he get a job. At the end of the night, the homeowner will bequeath a huge bowl of candy to their own children, but most of it will rot because it’s more candy than they could eat in 10 lifetimes.

Democrat Halloween

Halloween doesn’t happen because even though the kids want candy and the neighbors want to give it to them, everyone involved is too shy to ask for what they really want. Also, the children beat each other up.

Libertarian Halloween

The homeowner demands all trick-or-treaters get the hell off their property right this minute! Either that, or they give out cigarettes.

Tea Party Halloween

One kid will be dressed in blackface but insist it’s not racist. Another will have a Superman outfit with a misspelled logo (probably with a C). Yet another will be dressed as Thomas Paine, but only because they forgot to change out of their normal clothes.

Louisiana Politician Halloween

At first they’re committed to not participating, but they turn on their porch light halfway through the night because that’s what everyone else is doing. And the only candy they have is circus peanuts.

Tim Tebow Halloween

Everybody in the neighborhood can’t stop talking about you, but it takes you forever to get around because the Tebowing pose isn’t conducive to canvassing streets. By the time you arrive, you’re over. Which is just fine with you, because you probably think Halloween is the devil or something.

Bush Family Halloween

Dubya will dress as a member of the Texas Rangers and think he hit a triple.

Westboro Baptist Church Halloween

They dress as hippies and espouse a philosophy of love, peace and tolerance. It frightens the hell out of everybody.

Las Vegas Brothel Halloween

Lots of Mounds and Almond Joy.

Indianapolis Colts Halloween

Lots of Butterfingers.

New Orleans Saints Halloween

It can’t be any scarier than what happened yesterday.

NBA Halloween

They’re all sitting at home. Go!

Jersey Shore Halloween

Don’t take the trick or the treat. Either way, it itches.

The fan is broken

2011-10-30T16:42:00.003-05:00

I was going to post a blog about the Saints' disastrous loss to the worst team in football's backups, but I've been told that the statue of limitations for being pissed has already passed. And apparently there's something wrong with me for not immediately forgetting about it and/or being as bubbly as ever about next week.

So, on to the next thing, just as soon as I figure out what that is.

Things that shouldn't exist

2011-10-28T00:19:00.003-05:00

If this gets just one person to change their minds about this ... well, I really want to meet this person.

Wear out a welcome this Halloween!

2011-10-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

The genuises at National Review Online have come up with Halloween costume ideas to annoy liberals. In the spirit of fair balancedness, here are some costume ideas for liberals to fright back (get it?!!):

CULTURAL ASSIMILATION

These are for if you’re a liberal and you trick-or-treat in a neighborhood with a name like Whispering Rivers, Thousand Island Ranch Bend or Oakstone. You’ll need to camouflage yourself. Actual camouflage is a good start, but getting a really good haul of candy requires a nice slab of red meat. In this situation, consider dressing up as:

• A Teleprompter

Make sure it says “Change” or “ACORN” or “Moran” or something. Also acceptable: “Looking for candy, not a handout.” Bad idea: “I am the 99%.” Too scary.

• P.W. Botha

You kids might not know who this guy was. He was the inspiration for the bad guy in “Lethal Weapon 2,” except that the screenwriters dialed back his cartoon villainy. Botha was to South African apartheid what the First Amendment is to freedom of speech. A guaranteed hit in neighborhoods with lots of lawn jockeys.

• A firearm

You’ll find you can stretch out trick-or-treating to any place and time of year this way. What’s more American than that? Going to jail, that’s what!

• Trans fat

This is America, Lord dammit! We don’t need the government telling us what’s in our food, even if it’s a horrifying, man-made, cholesterol-spiking, artery-clogging substance that the FDA says has no safe consumption amount. So what does trans fat look like? An onion ring is a good start. Or you, probably. 

• A wall

Whether it’s the street or along the border, wealthy people love walls.

• A long-form birth certificate

Be careful with this one. You’re likely to get one of two reactions on this one: either heart-attack-inducing fright or be ignored completely. Either way, your candy bounty will suffer.

TURNING TRICKS, NOT TREATS

Or, if inciting fear is more your speed, drop the camouflage and don an orange vest. Check out these ideas for costumes that will make any modern conservative flip:

• A book

• Any non-Tim Tebow athlete you’ve ever heard speak

• The HPV vaccine

• A correctly spelled word

• A person with a heart

• A tax

• Help

• Peace

• MSNBC

• Anyone who thinks Halloween is not an affront to all that is decent and holy

• Something that isn’t meant to be intentionally annoying or outrageous, because they get off on that

OR, JUST BE YOURSELF!

The best choice for thrifty and/or unimaginative types. These aren’t even really costumes, because chances are you fall into one of these categories already. If anyone asks, just say you’re one of the following:

• Some armchair quarterback wearing a jersey

You’re not going as Drew Brees — you’re going as some guy who owns a Drew Brees jersey. How very meta.

• A sexy whatever

In an age where the “sexy watermelon” costume is a thing, attractive people can throw any outfit on and call it a sexy night. I plan on giving my sexy jeans and sexy Pitfall T-shirt a go this year.

• A victim of the economic crunch

A truly versatile outfit.